subject: My Husband's Depression Is Causing Him To Want A Separation [print this page] My Husband's Depression Is Causing Him To Want A Separation
I recently heard from a wife who was beyond frustrated. Since losing his job eight months ago, her husband had slipped into a deep depression and had begun to distance himself from her, his family, his friends, and the things that used to bring him peace and joy. Basically, he had sunk into a deep depression and the only one that he seemed to enjoy being around was the family dog.
He was unable to see this though. He denied that anything was really wrong. He had no problem admitting that losing his job had been difficult, but the more the wife brought up the depression, the more he pulled away. He had begun to insinuate that the problem was his wife and their marriage and had started to hint that maybe they should separate.
The wife felt very strongly that all of this separation talk was the depression talking and not her husband. She had been campaigning for the both of them to go to counseling, but of course the husband resisted this. The wife wanted to know how she could make the husband see that all of the issues that they were having was due to his job loss and his depression. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
The Depression Likely Is A Big Issue, But You Have To Play With The Cards That You've Been Dealt: I completely agreed with the wife that it was highly likely that the husband's job loss had triggered a sense of loss and mourning and had brought on the depression, which was in turn clouding his perceptions about most everything in his life.
This loss of security likely brought about feelings of insecurity and incompetence. He probably felt vulnerable in a way that felt very uncomfortable and new to him. And, it's quite understandable that depression and sadness would follow this and seem to make everything in his life seem off kilter and just wrong.
But, when the wife brought this up, he was of course resistant because he did not like someone pointing out his continued vulnerabilities and losses. It was very unlikely (at least in my opinion) that if the wife kept going on her current tract, he would one day see that she was right and accept that he needed help. This was the best case scenario of course, but it wasn't likely to happen in the way that she was handling it now. I felt that it could happen however, with another plan.
Focus On Succeeding Where You Can: Right now, the wife really had two major problems. The first was the husband's depression. However, he was still resisting admitting any problem with this and so the wife continuing to push was likely only going to make him more and more resistant, at least at first.
The second problem that the wife had was the husband's perceptions. He was currently seeing her as a nag and as a negative influence in his life that he wanted to get rid off (or at least get some space from.) I suspected that if the wife continued to push, this was only going to reinforce his negative perceptions. So, I felt that because of this, the wife should place her focus on where she could succeed and on where she could begin to change the perceptions.
And this might mean taking a few steps back so that she could take several steps forward eventually. I felt that she should try changing course and sitting her husband down and telling him that she missed the closeness and the light hearted fun the two of them used to have. And, that although she knew that money was tight and that sometimes things didn't feel celebratory, there was really no reason whatsoever that the two of them couldn't schedule more fun and happiness in their lives.
Many of the things they used to enjoy together did not cost a thing. They loved taking their dog on walks at the dog park. They loved rollerblading on a trail by their home and they loved photography. But they hadn't been doing much of any of those things lately. However, the wife was going to make clear that job or no job and depression or no depression, she wanted to bring some light hearted fun back into their lives to lighten their loads. This would be true no matter what the future held.
Lead By Example: It was pretty clear that the husband was not willing to see a mental health specialist or counselor right now. But, nothing said that the wife could not go on her own. And nothing said that the wife had to depend on the husband for her own happiness. Sometimes, if you lead by example and demonstrate success at the things you want from him, he will eventually follow suit. I felt strongly that if she sought counseling alone and portrayed it as something that was greatly helping her and was not at all difficult or painful, then the husband would be much more likely to eventually get with the program, especially if he was able to see first hand how much happier she was and how much easier to be around she was as the result.
When he was able to equate getting help with an improvement in his life and a lessening of tension rather than making things worse and opening up his faults and vulnerabilities, then he would be much more likely to see it with an open mind. Men are often afraid of this process because they are so afraid that it's going to paint them in a negative light or to show them as weak or vulnerable. When you show by example and show that this isn't true (and you're connecting on a more regular basis at the same time) you are much more likely to get him to go along with what you know will help you both.
There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at it's end. We had seemingly tried everything from talking it through to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
