subject: Signs Your Spouse Is Thinking About Divorcing You [print this page] Signs Your Spouse Is Thinking About Divorcing You
I often hear from people who are very frightened and scared that their spouse is considering a divorce. Typically, things have gotten to the point where the other spouse is being secretive about their feelings and plans. This is usually because they know that if they share their plans with you, you're going to do everything in your power to talk them out of this or debate with them about it. And, most times, they are hoping to avoid this.
Other times, they aren't yet sure what they are going to do and so they are just taking some time to think about what they actually want to do. But even in this scenario, they often want to keep this thought and evaluation process to themselves. Because they want to come up with whatever scenario that they decide on by themselves. They do not want for your influence to cloud the process.
So, since you can't read their thoughts and they won't share them with you, how can you tell if they are considering divorce? I understand wanting to know this because you feel like you need to prepare yourself and / or come up with a workable plan to turn this around. So, I will discuss some signs that might indicate that your spouse is thinking about a divorce in the following article.
You Can Literally See And Feel Them Pulling Away: Often, people feel the distance before they literally see it. At first, it may be something that you just can't put your finger on. But you will often feel it enough so that you can't help but take notice and be troubled. You just sense that something is "off." They aren't as invested. They don't pay attention as much. And they may be present much less both literally and emotionally.
Sometimes when you mention this to them, they will tell you that they are busy or stressed, or that you are only imagining it. And sometimes you buy this at first, but as this trend continues, you can't help but notice that your spouse is distant, somewhat cold, and is making excuses or efforts to be around you a lot less. You might notice that you're not spending nearly as much quality time together, and although they might have excuses that seem valid, there is seemingly no end in sight.
They're Focusing More On Their Own Interests and Identity: Probably one of the most persuasive things that you might notice from someone who is thinking about a divorce is that they stop thinking in terms of "we" and start thinking in terms of "me." They will start to hang out with their own friends and they might want to explore their own interests and identity with out you. This might happen financially also.
They do this because, whether they consciously realize it or not, they are experimenting with their own independence before they actually make a concrete move. They may be attempting to ease into being alone rather than part of a couple. And they want to see what some time and distance is going to do for or against the relationship.
As the intimacy and connection begins to wane, so too does the amount of time spent together and the quality of it. Simply put, at least at this time, they would rather be somewhere else. This may not be a permanent thing but it can certainly be a valid reason to pay close attention.
You Might See Some Experimentation In An Attempt To Get The Spark Back: Sometimes I will have spouses write to me and tell me that they were blind sided when their spouse filed for divorce because, in the weeks before this, there was an increase in sex, trips away, or things meant to reconnect. This isn't all that unusual as the spouse who is pulling away might feel guilty and might try a last ditch effort to see if they can "feel" anything that might indicate that the spark might come back. This can be confusing and unfair, but it's actually very common.
What You Can Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Thinking About A Divorce: I believe that the worst thing that you can do is to ignore the signs or to take your spouse's assertions that nothing is wrong at face value when you know in your heart that this just isn't true. Often, people will minimize the truth because they know that hashing it out is going to be awkward, hurtful, and they think, a potential waste of time.
It's best to chose a time when emotions aren't high. Try to be direct but also try to come off in a positive way. Just mention that you've noticed a distance between you and it concerns you as you place your marriage as your highest priority. Again, many times, your spouse will continue to deny that anything is wrong. Don't argue or disagree. Just tell them what you yourself are seeing and tell them that it hurts you. Don't tell them that they are wrong or that you don't believe them. This isn't about making accusations. It's about laying things on the table so that they can be addressed.
Sometimes, it helps to talk in terms of the hypothetical. Ask them if they could magically have the marriage that they wanted, what would this look like. This sometimes allows them to say what they are really feeling without worrying as much that they are going to hurt you or that you are going to take it wrong. Always remember that your real goal right now is to change any perceptions that they might have concerning the fact that divorce is inevitable or desirable.
You want for them to come to realize that the relationship can improve, that the two of your can grow closer, and that the process does not have to be a painful, awkward or impossible one. Often the first step in being successful with this is approaching it in the correct positive way that isn't solely based on fear and other negative emotions.
When my husband began to move away from me (but I desperately want to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to stop it. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn't on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
