subject: Divorce Support for YOU! [print this page] Divorce Support for YOU! Divorce Support for YOU!
Characteristics of a SUCCESSFUL Divorce Recovery
Have you ever met someone who's married or in a romantic relationship & asked them how they would know their relationship is successful? I have; in fact, I've been the guy asking the questions. Awkward! The room fell quiet; deathly quiet. No one had an answer, so I just switched topics. It may have seemed like a misstep on my part, but really it was an intervention designed to get the group of guys I meet with to begin thinking about how they know if they're in a successful relationship.
What's this mean to you? After all, your marriage is over. Well, what I want you to get is this: How will you ever know if your divorce recovery has reached the level of success you hope it will if you have YET to define what it would look like to be successful? Unfortunately, most people not only don't have an answer to that question, they also don't know the TRUE
characteristics of a successful relationship.
I was recently watching a episode of my new favorite TV show, "How I Met Your Mother". The lead character, Ted, was talking about his "ideal" wife. She like tennis, dogs; wanted two kids - a boy and a girl; she was intelligent, social; liked the same favorite book, and so forth. Finding this 'ideal' woman represented a successful relationship to him...and it does to most people I meet. I'm sure you know a lot of other people like this - they believe if they just find the 'right' person, their 'soul-mate' then they'll have the perfect relationship. And as you know, this couldn't be further from the truth.
Simply finding someone who shares interests as you, or who meets most of the items on your 'list', does NOT mean you will have a successful relationship. Surprisingly, divorce recovery isn't much different. A common mistake a lot of people make is to believe they just need to check a bunch of things off their 'list' which they've consciously or unconsciously created
which signals to them they're "over" their ex & have "moved on" with their life. The question, of course, is then...
So What DOES define a successful divorce recovery?
Here's the criteria you'll want to strive towards to have a stable, successful, fulfilling & passionate life (I'll break each of these down in a series of articles). WARNING!!!: Do NOT be surprised if you don't YET meet most (or any) of these criteria (very few people I've met do).
1. Secure attachment (or at least in the process of working through attachment issues), & this involves:
a) Resolution of childhood losses, hurts, wounding, trauma (more on this later), & deprivations.
b) Need identification: Being able to be aware of, and meet, your own needs (especially emotionally) in healthy ,effective & appropriate avenues - instead of avoiding or 'checking out'
c) The ability to give & receive comfort (by the way, I only know two couples, and a handful of single people, who are able to EFFECTIVELY & TRULY give comfort. The inability to experience REAL comfort in a relationship, I am convinced, is a MAJOR reason couples divorce, experience dissatisfaction, have physical or emotional affairs, experience resentment & bitterness, are unable to let go of the past, and are unable to truly resolve arguments).
d) Strong and secure sense of your self (nope, not a misspelling, I do mean your 'self')
2. Constant desire to be different (& the action therein) in your relationship with others (kids, family, friends, co-workers).
3. There's a support system in place.
4. You seek the best interest of other people who you consider to be a significant relationship for you, even at your own
expense & potential lost.
5. The exercise of self-responsibility; and, you view significant others (close friends or family members) as a
'team-mate'.
6. Congruency.
7. Ability to EFFECTIVELY confront others, problems, difficulties, negative behaviors, & then resolve conflict to a MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL resolution & both of you experience the feeling of RELIEF afterward.
8. Awareness of the power of situational forces.
Stay tuned for upcoming articles where I break each one of these criteria down for you to help you not only recover from
your divorce but create a life filled with the abundance of love, fulfillment, & passion both want!
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