subject: How Can I Get Forgiveness After The Affair? [print this page] How Can I Get Forgiveness After The Affair?
Most of the time, the questions that I receive come from people who have been cheated on. They are looking for insights on how to heal from and process this betrayal and to move on in a healthy way. Sometimes though, I hear from people who cheated on their spouse and who are sincerely sorry and remorseful, but don't know how to express this to their spouse in such a way that their spouse will listen to and believe them.
I'm sometimes reluctant to address these concerns because I don't want to give someone a road map to restore their spouse's trust, only to have them cheat again in the future. I've been cheated on and I know how devastating this is. Believe me when I say that you only want to have to go through this once. This is why I generally only respond to those who I believe are truly remorseful, will truly address whatever it was that lead them to the affair, and will make whatever changes needed to be made to ensure that their spouse never has to deal with this again.
With that said, there are some things that, if you are genuine about them, can help to (over time), show your spouse that you are sincere in your remorse and commitment to them. I will discuss some of these things in the following article.
Don't Ask For Too Much Too Soon. Give Your Spouse The Space They Need To Process The Shock Of Your Having An Affair: It's very likely that your spouse is struggling greatly right now. Nothing knocks your feet out from under you like learning that the person you most love and trust has betrayed you. And, it's also likely that the very sight of you angers and upsets them, at least for right now. Don't make the mistake of trying to brush this under the rug too soon. This really does disrespect and gloss over their right to their strong feelings.
An issue this big is going to take time to work through. There is simply no way around this. I know that things are uncomfortable and painful and that it's tempting to try to get or convince your spouse to move forward as soon as possible. No one wants to feel this awkwardness and to keep this wound open for longer than is necessary. However, forcing too much to happen too soon is usually only going to delay true and lasting progress.
Your spouse likely needs time, answers, reassurance, and the ability to process this on their own. You can't rush this process. Yes, you can let them know that you are very sorry, that you are there, and that you are ready, willing, and able to provide them with what they need. But, beyond this, you should not push them, pressure them, or force yourself on them when they are not receptive or ask for some alone time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "I know that your struggling and that it is my fault. It hurts me to see you in pain when I caused this pain. I would like to have the opportunity to explain and reassure you when you are ready to hear it. But I know that you are not there yet and the last thing that I want to do is to rush and pressure you. My giving you this time does not mean that I don't love you. The opposite is true. I love you more than I say and I only want to give you what you need, in your own time."
This works so much better than pressuring your spouse to forgive you before they are ready. You don't want to ask them to take responsibility for your own decisions, or to ask them to blindly believe you when you have lied to them about very important things. Common sense will tell them that they need to use some caution when listening to what you say because believing you has caused them pain. They are understandably going to be cautious and you can not blame them for that. What you can do though it to commit yourself to showing them that over time, you will prove that it is safe to trust you again.
Know That This Is A Marathon, Not A Sprint. For Your Spouse to Forgive You From An Affair, You Have To Show Them Real And Lasting Rehabilitation: Here are the things that your spouse REALLY wants and needs to know. (You should provide the answers to these questions when they are receptive to hearing them.) They want to know why this happened. They want to know if you really still love them or if you are only here because you were caught and it's too costly to follow through with your actions. They want to know what you are going to do to make sure that they don't have to deal with a repeat of this. And, they want for you to prove to them that you still love them and that they can trust you.
Yes, this is a tall order and yes, it is going to be a process that might take a great deal of time. Trust and forgiveness following an affair is something that absolutely has to be earned. The things that will derail your marriage following an affair (even if both people still love one another) is distrust, insecurity, resentment, and doubt. You must show your spouse (over time and with your repeated reassurances, accountability, and actions) that you are not going anywhere, that you are truly sorry, and that you have a plan to fix this no matter how long it takes.
This won't always be comfortable for you. And, before you take this on, you need to know in your heart that it's really what you want. It is not fair to either of you to go into this only half way, knowing that you might struggle again in the future. If you are really committed to your spouse and your marriage, then you must understand that sometimes you will feel like a child being punished. You will have to check in to reassure them, and it helps greatly if you're willing to work on creating an entirely new marriage that is far superior to your old one.
This is truly the only way to know without a doubt that you have truly worked through the issues that brought you here. You will both need this peace of mind to dive back in without the doubt and resentment that derails many marriages following an affair.
My husband never said the right words that made me believe he was sorry. But over time, his actions did. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
