subject: Turning Grief into Grace [print this page] Turning Grief into Grace Turning Grief into Grace
I received a letter from a friend (we'll call her Jacqueline) describing her feelings following her mother's death. Here is what she said, "It should not have come as a shock. We knew mom was dying. Although doctors, clergy, and friends tried to prepare us, my brother and I just couldn't believe she was gone.
It has been two months since the funeral and Greg, my little brother seems to have moved on. He has always been so resilient. He says he must think of his own children and his career. Plus, he has Carolyn. I don't have anyone. My husband and I divorced three years ago, and we had no children. I lived with mom for the last year. I am the one who took care of her.
Greg's family live in another state and I am so alone. I cannot bear to think of going into mom's room and removing her things. I know I should, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It seems so final, removing everything I mean.
The days seem dark and cold and the nights seem impossibly long. I don't want to work, although I make myself go every day, I do not care to go out or take part in any gatherings of friends.
People I work with try to get me to accept the fact of mother's death and move on. Some have suggested counseling but every time I get the urge to call for an appointment, I think of how weak I feel. I Think I should be stronger and accept things as they are."
Then, she asked, "What advice do you have for people like me?"
What I told Jacqueline may help you as you struggle through the aftermath of death.
One of the hardest things about dealing with the death of a loved one is that death is so final. Other losses in our lives may be painful, but they don't feel so totally conclusive. Say you lose custody of your kids, that's bad, but you will probably have visitation rights. Unlike death, you will see them again. It is the finality of death that makes the loss so tough.
It is a quagmire of truth that all God's creatures suffer loss. Grief is a natural resulting emotion of loss. I do not claim that loss is easy, or that grief has a quick fix. In fact, the grief process is complicated and often arduous and long; but is not unending or uncontrollable. Often, grief can seem overwhelming, especially when you go to find help and there is so much stuff available.
How can one know what to trust? Who is the real authority on which data is best for you? Even confronting that question can make a grieving person feel helpless. Perhaps what I told my friend Jacqueline will help you in your time of loss as well.
When you feel lonely -Call up a friend and go someplace together. Don't just call get out of the house. Go out for a beverage, go shopping, go bowling anything to give you a change of scenery.
When you feel angry Shout (if you are alone) Scream! Scream to the top of your lungs. Tell the universe how mad you are. There is nothing like a good primal scream to get some of the tension out. Go exercise, run, or take a walk. Exercise will nearly always improve feelings of anxiety and relieve tension.
When you feel blue - Write a letter to God. Tell God exactly how you feel. Write out your feelings in detail. Say what it feels like. Use illustrations (it feels like someone has torn my heart out with their bare hands. It feels like I have fallen off a high cliff but I haven't hit bottom yet, I am falling, falling, without any control etc.)
When you are depressed Read a good book, or watch your favorite comedy. Go rent a video of some of the old "I Love Lucy" TV series. I guarantee if you do, you will kick depression before the third or fourth episode!
When you feel helpless Read Psalms or the New Testament book of Philippians. Check out our library of good reading material. Browse around, you are sure to find something that will help.
The grief process is always very personal. My suggestions are only that, suggestions. They may not work for you, or you may find them very useful tools to explore your sense of loss and chart your progress. In addition, you might find, as others have, that journaling is very beneficial. The very act of "thinking with your pen" is a scientific phenomenon of kinesitics. Some people who journal often say that journaling is a therapeutic way of expressing the catharsis of healing.
