subject: How the Right Boundaries Can Help YOU Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage [print this page] How the Right Boundaries Can Help YOU Stop Your Divorce & Save Your Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage
One of the most difficult challenges I've had in relationship (romantic and non-romantic) was (and is at sometimes still) to say one little word...
"No." I don't know many people who like hearing, "No", whether it's your child, a friend, a co-worker, supervisor (since when did we stop calling
them "boss" :) ), parent, or spouse. However, the ability for you to say "No" will be one of the MOST IMPORTANT skills you can learn with your
partner, and I'll tell you why in a moment.
I was reminded of this key skill recently with my mom (yes, my mom). It's never felt so awkward to say 'no' to someone as it was saying it to my
mom. And what does a "good" 'no' convey, you're probably wondering. A "healthy no" lets someone know they're behavior is inappropriate, and
may be followed up with consequences if the negative behavior persists. It's not a denial of someone's desires or wants or person-hood, as some
people erroneously think. It's saying, "What you're doing right now is hurtful (to you, the person engaged in the behavior, or both), and if it
continues they'll be consequences."
So back to my mom. And yes, I guarantee you this DOES apply to you in your marriage because how & when you say no will either eliminate or increase
the marriage problems you'll have. We had a outdoor patio with an old brick BBQ, which hadn't been used in over twenty years. It was in the corner
of the patio, & even had a chimney for the smoke so the patio wouldn't become smokey. The BBQ wasn't used anymore, like I said, and at the time
I really wanted a place for a fire, a fire pit. I had previously bought one of those round fire pits & fast discovered it wouldn't work with
the patio cover which was about only 8ft high because the smoke wouldn't go anywhere so you couldn't see much and you'd be constantly coughing.
I figured a BBQ with a chimney would obviously work (and I was right! but more on that later).
I told my mom what I thought and she agreed, and she agreed I could try it out as long as I started slow to make sure it would work. Well, later
that night some friends came over, and excited as I was I thought we'd light a fire. I started slow with some kindling - no problem, then I used
a Duraflame log - no problem. Or was there?
My mom flipped out! She became so overwhelmed she couldn't even talk about it other than to say, "I didn't expect you to light a fire tonight."
Regardless of my attempts to engage her, to resolve the conflict, she wanted none of it. She became angry & began acting passive aggressively.
Even though I asked if she wanted to put the fire out, she wouldn't answer.
This wasn't the first time something clearly upset my mom without her saying anything other than to get angry, act passive aggressively, and then
take it out on someone else. And I realized the next day this was a major theme in our relationship: She would get emotionally overwhelmed;
and because she never chose to get the skills to learn how to process her emotions & then express them in appropriate ways she would yell, walk
away, not speak to you, or chose some other passive aggressive behaviors. She would blame someone else rather than taking responsibility for her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, & experiences.
I also realized how much this had cost HER in relationship with other people because of all the people she's lost over the years. It hit me too
how much I had been hurt because this is the way she responded to me throughout our relationship. Yet no one ever confronted her IN LOVE (key
concept I'll get into in another article because I don't have enough time to get into it right now).
I made a simple decision. It was time to say "No". I thought about what I wanted to say, I got some counsel (another key step you'll want to
implement and I'll go into detail in another article), & journaled through my own thoughts & emotions. When I was ready & she wanted to talk,
amongst the many things I said was, "I didn't appreciate the way you treated me, & I'm not going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore. This
is what I want to see different (and I explained). And if you choose not to do these things or you don't see a problem with the way you acted,
that's fine, but there will be some consequences (and I explained what they would be)."
Unfortunately, as will happen when you tell someone "no", she didn't respond well. In fact, she told me that was just how I was "feeling" and
not reality - it was "reality to me". And so I ended the conversation & left...and it was AWKWARD! I felt like I had just 'broken up' with my
mom!
I've had to do this when I was married too, and I'll tell you in my experience nothing is harder than being the child and setting limits with your
parents! It felt completely backwards! There is nothing more difficult, in my experience, than parenting your parent. It was gut-wrenching,
and her response only made it worse.
Fortunately, in a later conversation, she changed her mind and realized she did respond inappropriately and would begin taking some steps to change
her behavior...what a relief!
What this means to you (take away steps to implement & implications to consider for your marriage):
1. One of the MOST IMPORTANT skills you can learn is the RIGHT way to say "No" (see, I told you I'd get back to this ;) ). It's important to
be able to say 'no' because otherwise you are tolerating (and thereby approving) of negative/inappropriate behavior. If the behavior is directed
towards you, you are further basically saying it's OK to treat you poorly; you deserve to be slapped, yelled at, manipulated; treated impatiently,
spoken with in negative scarcasm, impatiently, talked down to, walked away on, like a child, or any other disrespectful or condescending way.
You're partner isn't your parent & you're not a little child; therefore, you deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal. When their behavior
is negative (disrespectful, condescending, inappropriate, destructive) a "good" 'no' communicates that respectfully and lovingly, but also firmly.
It's also important to learn how to say 'no' the right way because there needs to be "boundaries" in relationship: each person needs to know what
is acceptable & unacceptable ways to relate to one another. Otherwise, disrespect will be commonplace. I'll tell you right now, the marriage
problems you're having are most likely due in part to a lack of proper boundaries. If you want to have less problems, arguments, fights, in your
marriage, start implementing some proper boundaries.
Boundaries are also important (necessary) because they preserve and guard what is BEST versus what someone feels like doing (even if you both feel
like the same thing). Boundaries will help you and your partner define what is "sacred" in your relationship - what are the non-negotiables.
Maybe you never want your kids to see you argue, well, that would be a boundary; that might be 'sacred' to you in your relationship.
2. If you truly want to save your marriage, this is a key tip for you. Perhaps you're ready to call it quits because you're simply tired of your
partner's "promises" of change...with no, or little, action. Maybe you've grown hopeless their behavior will change - and with good reason! If
you want to stop your divorce before you've reached the "point of no return" this is a great step. But, it will be HARD. You will have to stick
to what you say & really hold the line with your spouse. This will truly require sacrificial love because setting boundaries and then enforcing
them is NOT fun, but if you really care about your spouse & your family, this is a step you will at least make a commitment to.
Here's the trick: You need to ensure your boundaries & resulting consequences match up. You're consequences have to be appropriate for the
boundaries you set. And, you'll want to make sure your boundaries address the NEGATIVE behavior versus you simply wanting your spouse to more
the way you want them to be. A lot of marriages "fall apart" because one or both partners realize their partner will never be the "door to fulfillment"
they once hoped their partner would be. What this means to you if you're ready to seek a divorce or are in the process of one is at one point in
your dating relationship and marriage you (unconsciously) believed your partner will bring fulfillment and wholeness to you; you would be happy,
fulfilled, & loved completely. Well, it hasn't quite worked out that way, has it? THIS REALIZATION IS NORMAL. And I CANNOT stress the normalcy
of your "revelation" enough. I don't know anyone who goes into a dating or marriage relationship with different expectations. However, the
reality is that your partner also thinks you'll represent the same ability for wholeness and fulfillment you wanted them to be too...so, when you
have two people in a relationship and each person is again, unconsciously, expecting the person to fulfill them you end up with two people locked
in a power struggle. (You can read more about the Power Struggle in another article)
For now, let's stick to boundaries. Your spouse is who they are with their own unique personality, needs, desires, thoughts, feelings, beliefs,
and experiences which are different than your own in many ways. Boundaries are NOT a way to control your partner into sharing your desires, thoughts,
et. al. so you feel more peaceful or more "oneness" with your spouse. Boundaries clarify expectations, roles, rules of engagement, including what
is and is not acceptable and appropriate behavior. In your unique situation you'll have to determine what appropriate boundaries would be. For
example, a bad boundary is "You can't lay around on the couch watching football on Sunday's." A better boundary is, "You can watch A football game
on Sunday, but not all day while I'm taking care of the kids or doing chores around the house." This is clearly minor and I doubt you're divorcing
over football. Consequences, as I've said, need to be inline with the boundary as well. It wouldn't be appropriate for you to move out simply
because your husband in this example watches football all day on Sundays. It would be appropriate to say, "If you continue to choose to watch
football all day Sunday then you also get to take care of the kids on Saturdays so I can go out and spend time with my friends."
I can say a lot more about boundaries and consequences but for now I think that's a good starting point.
P.S.: Has this article been helpful? If you thought this was beneficial, please "pass it on" to someone who you think would also benefit. And,
let me know how it benefited you or any other questions you may have
