subject: Get the "insider secrets" to the best & right way to get divorce support [print this page] Get the "insider secrets" to the best & right way to get divorce support
I made a simple decision. It was time to say "No". I thought about what I wanted to say, I got some counsel (another key step you'll want to
implement and I'll go into detail in another article), & journaled through my own thoughts & emotions. When I was ready & she wanted to talk,
amongst the many things I said was, "I didn't appreciate the way you treated me, & I'm not going to tolerate that kind of behavior anymore. This
is what I want to see different (and I explained). And if you choose not to do these things or you don't see a problem with the way you acted,
that's fine, but there will be some consequences (and I explained what they would be)."
Unfortunately, as will happen when you tell someone "no", she didn't respond well. In fact, she told me that was just how I was "feeling" and
not reality - it was "reality to me". And so I ended the conversation & left...and it was AWKWARD! I felt like I had just 'broken up' with my
mom!
I've had to do this when I was trying to get back on my feet after my marriage ended too, and I'll tell you in my experience nothing is harder
than being the child and setting limits with your parents! It felt completely backwards! There is nothing more difficult, in my experience, than
parenting your parent. It was gut-wrenching, and her response only made it worse.
Fortunately, in a later conversation, she changed her mind and realized she did respond inappropriately and would begin taking some steps to change
her behavior...what a relief!
What this means to you (take away steps to implement & implications to consider for getting the RIGHT support after after your divorce):
1. One of the MOST IMPORTANT skills you can learn is the RIGHT way to say "No" (see, I told you I'd get back to this ;) ). In fact, I'd bet you or
your ex's LACK of boundaries (or the proper use of them) is actually one of the reasons your marriage ended. It's important to
be able to say 'no' because otherwise you are tolerating (and thereby approving) of negative/inappropriate behavior. If the behavior is directed
towards you, you are further basically saying it's OK to treat you poorly; you deserve to be slapped, yelled at, manipulated; treated impatiently,
spoken with in negative sarcasm, impatiently, talked down to, walked away on, like a child, or any other disrespectful or condescending way.
You're not a little child; therefore, you deserve to be treated with respect and as an equal. When someone's behaviors negative (disrespectful,
condescending, inappropriate, destructive) a "good" 'no' communicates that respectfully and lovingly, but also firmly.
It's also important to learn how to say 'no' the right way because there needs to be "boundaries" in relationship: each person needs to know what
is acceptable & unacceptable ways to relate to one another. Otherwise, disrespect will be commonplace. I'll tell you right now, if you're
struggling to get the support you're looking for after your divorce, it's likely in part to a lack of proper boundaries. If you want to have less
problems, arguments, fights, in your life, start implementing some proper boundaries.
Boundaries are also important (necessary) because they preserve and guard what is BEST versus what someone feels like doing (even if you both feel
like the same thing). Boundaries will help you define what is "sacred" in your life - what are the non-negotiables.
Maybe you never want your kids to see you argue, well, that would be a boundary; that might be 'sacred' to you in your life.
2. You need to ensure your boundaries & resulting consequences match up. You're consequences have to be appropriate for the
boundaries you set. And, you'll want to make sure your boundaries address the NEGATIVE behavior versus you simply wanting someone to act
the way you want them to. (Side note: A lot of marriages "fall apart" because one or both partners realize their partner will never be the
"door to fulfillment" they once hoped their partner would be. What this means to you is most people (unconsciously) believe their partner will bring
fulfillment and wholeness to you; you would be happy, fulfilled, & loved completely. Well, it hasn't quite worked out that way, has it? THIS REALIZATION
IS NORMAL. And I CANNOT stress the normalcy of your "revelation" enough. I don't know anyone who goes into a dating or marriage relationship with different
expectations. However, the reality is that your ex also thought you represented the same ability for wholeness and fulfillment you wanted them to be too...
so, when you have two people in a relationship and each person is again, unconsciously, expecting the person to fulfill them you end up with two people locked
in a power struggle. (You can read more about the Power Struggle in another article).) What my "side note" has to do with you right now is this: What
boundaries are you setting up to make sure you don't simple repeat your past relationship experiences? How are you ensuring you don't "fuse" with someone
else (romantically or non-romantically) hoping they'll meet your needs & you'll find fulfillment? What about food, alcohol, the gym, TV - these are all objects
we use for fulfillment & comfort...yet are they truly filling you up in the right way? If you find yourself overly dependent on any THING or any ONE it's a
good idea to think about where you may need to set up those boundaries.
For now, let's stick to boundaries. Boundaries are NOT a way to control someone into sharing your desires, thoughts, et. al. so you feel more peaceful.
Boundaries clarify expectations, roles, rules of engagement, including whatis and is not acceptable and appropriate behavior. In your unique situation you'll
have to determine what appropriate boundaries would be.
I can say a lot more about boundaries and consequences but for now I think that's a good starting point.
P.S.: Has this article been helpful? If you thought this was beneficial, please "pass it on" to someone who you think would also benefit. And,
let me know how it benefited you or any other questions by shooting me a quick email.
