subject: Why Playing Hard to Get Will Get You Nowhere and What To Do Instead [print this page] Why Playing Hard to Get Will Get You Nowhere and What To Do Instead
Last week myfriend Will went out to happy hour with his office buddies. One of the guys, Freddy, invited three lady friends that he knew from college. One of thegirls, Kate, was definitely Will's type. Kate was tan, tall, thin, and had massive eyes. They chatted briefly and Will thought she was "pretty cool but a little standoffish". Anyway, two hours or so later, the group decided to change venues.
The girls were reluctant to leave their car atthe bar's parking lot so the happy group agreed to drive separately and meet at this one upscalecigar bar. As soon as the guys got into their car Freddy got atext message from Kate. The exact text read: "I am determined to do terrible things to your friend Will. He is soooo hot!!!!".
Naturally, Freddy showed Will the text message. Will was thrilled. Between you and me, Will was in a dating slump. Sorry Will. He thought that Kate was just the breath of fresh air that he needed. Until he got to the next bar.
The guys arrived and walked in a bit before the girls. Will was in line for the bar when the girls walked in. He was going to ask Kate and her friends what they wanted a drink. Instead, Kate walked in, barely said hello to Will and instead made a beeline to the bar a few feet away from him. This confused Will.
After they got their drinks, Will struck up a conversation with Kate. "She gave me nothing but short answers. She looked bored and was looking at her phone and texting. Eventually, I stopped trying to talk to her and went back to the guys."
Kate then started talking to a rando from the bar. Will saw that this time Kate was laughing and seemed engaged in conversation. He also noticed that Kate would look up at him every few moments. Freddy came up to Will. He seemed downright offended as he and showed Will his phone again. To Will's amazement, the text said "WHY is your friend not doing anything? I look hot and I'm drunk!".
Will's confusion turned into a lack of respect: "After that text, I knew she liked me. But she was playing hard to get and it was a little pathetic. It made her seem spoiled, childish, and insecure. I knew, at this point, that she wasn't my type at all."
Anothershort story:
Gavin decided to date my friend Simone despite all his friend's warnings; "never date someone you work with", they said. When Simone broke up with Gavin he was very upset and determined to get her back. For the company picnic, (gotta love corporate America) Gavin brought Marina, theUkraine-born maxim model he dated right before Simone. I love Simone, but she's noMaxim model. Sorry Simone. Anyway, back to the picnic.
At first, Gavin's plan seemed to be working beautifully. "I looked at them. I knew he had dated her before I did and that she wanted to marry him. I was insanely jealous. I had this moment that I even thought of accidently spilling my punch on her sprayed-on t-shirt." But then something funny happened. "I realized that Gavin kept looking my way. When he came up to me to say hello he seemed nervous. He was smiling, but it seemed forced." Simone realized that Gavin was faking it. Not only had Gavin not moved on, he was in fact more invested than Simone imagined. "I couldn't believe he had gone through the length of brining her to make me jealous. It was entertaining and sad at the same time. Besides, it showed me I did the absolute right thing by breaking up with him because he was a manipulator."
What is going on here?
Chances are that Kate is neither spoiled nor childish. Having met Gavin in the past, I can tell you that he's no manipulator. Kate and Gavin are simply misinformed. Playing hard to get does not work. Not ever. Not really. At least not for very long.
It's amazing how in-tune people are to other's emotions. It makes sense; picking up on people's true feelings about us and their hidden motivations is something that we must do to survive. By adulthood, we've generally mastered the art oflie detection.Additionally, playing hard to get is such common practice that we're even better at detecting it. If you made it throughhigh-school, chances are you've had at least some practice detecting and playing hard to get.
On the other end, when we lie, we send signals. That's what poker is all about. Trying to eliminate signals of lies is not only difficult, but also impossible. Researchers have demonstrated that faces, for example, reflect true emotions for split seconds before we manage to control our facial muscles. Those micro expressions give us away. Our posture, voice, breathing, sweat, choice of words, and body language must all match for a big fat lie to really "sell". Our friends' behavior might also unintentionally tip people off.
Since our feelings and actions aren't aligned when playing hard to get, it simply doesn't work. Eventually, those playing hard to get, get busted. Then it's game-over. If you play hard to get and get caught, which is likely, it makes you seem insecure and dishonest. No one wants to date a pathetic liar. Go figure.
Stop playing hard to get. Instead, become hard to get. I know. I know. "Easy to say, hard to do". But it's easier than you think. If you're already putting so much energy into playing hard to get anyway, you might as well put the energy towards something that actually works.
Being hard to get
Being hard to get begins before you meet an interesting guy or girl. It is a resolution that you make to put yourself and your quality of life at a high priority. This means that, no matter how smitten you are, you don't forget or neglect your, family and friends, pets, hobbies, workout routine, work, school, your houseplant that needs watering, whatever
This resolution also means that you will not let bad influences into your life. If someone is a negative influence or makes you unhappy, you have already resolved to leave them behind.
Notice, that once you've made this resolution with yourself, there is no need to say it with words. In fact, as you might imagine, that could be awkward or even rude. Luckily, you won't have to say a word. People's uncanny ability to gage other's emotions in conjunction with the natural tendency to align posture, body language, and choice of words with how we truly feel makes any declaration unnecessary.Once you made this resolution in your mind, you'll naturally act in a ways will ensure that those around you will just know.
This kind of resolution is as essential to creating and maintaining attraction as it is to attracting the right person and being in a good relationship. Because when you allow yourself to forget your own life you lose value. You have fewer friends and your support and professional networks deteriorate. You also seem less socially savvy as your friends are upset that you "fell off the face of the earth". Not to mention that your pet is neglected, your place is filthy, and your cactus died. When you forget your hobbies and activities you also become less interesting. You have barely anything to talk about if all you ever think about is your new love interest.
Forgetting your life makes you unhappy on its own right, too. You get lonely, you get bored, you get fat. None are good things. Lastly, forgetting your life tricks you into feeling that the relationship with your new or existing interest is of monumental importance. If you forgot everything but your crush, you'll obviously hold on for dear life. Even if he did just lose his job atSeven-eleven for smoking pot on the job and his mom is going to start charging him rent on his next birthday (thirty eight). Your crush becomes the only thing you have going on so you become terrified of losing him. Anxious and needy is neither sexy nor smart.
When yourlife quality is a high priority you don't run out of stuff to talk about. You have a lot going on and you're interesting. You also leave your sweetheart wanting more because you have other stuff planned. You are also more self-assured because you are doing things that make you happy and that you're good at. You know that,even if you don't get this boy/gal, your life is filled with interesting friends, activities, and goals. So not only are you more likely to get your hunny, you are also having a much better time doing it. Make this resolution today. Truly desirable people aren't lying or playing hard to get. They just made a decision to value their own lives and their own time.
