subject: Getting Your Husband To Come Back After He Left You [print this page] Getting Your Husband To Come Back After He Left You
Some of the more common emails that I get from my blog are from women whose husbands have recently left. These emails run the gauntlet in terms of the situation. Some of the husbands havejust stormed out in anger, but will likely come back in a few hours. Some husbands have literally packed their bags and walked out the door, not sure when, or if, they will come back. Some husbands are beginning what is commonly called "a trial separation" or "working on themselves," while others just want some time apart or have even initiated a divorce.
No matter what the situation, the wives who write me all want their husbands to come back home, but this is often difficult because, as the husband has left either in anger or desperation, communication, empathy and affection are at all time lows. This article will offer you some advice on what you can do (and definitely should not do) to encourage your husband to come home so that you can save the marriage.
Don't Rush It. (I Know You Want It Home, But Do It The Right Way): It's very important that, even though you want a quick resolution, you don't allow your panic to force you to act in such a way that is going to make the marriage seem even more undesirable. I understand how easy itis and how much sense it seems to maketo keep calling, keep engaging, keep trying to strong arm, or to keepputting on the guilt. I have done these things myself. But, none of them worked. All they did was make the job harder in the end because I was having to do damage control for these mistakes.
Think for a second about what is your best case scenario here. It is probably that your husband decides, all on his own, that he wants to come home and he is wholeheartedly committed to going all in the save the marriage, right? Well, you can't get to this place if you try to trick or convince him to do this, but the decision was really your doing rather than his. He may come home, beaten and resentful, but in a few weeks or months, these festering feelings are only going to cause a repeat of what you are going through now.
So, starting today, I want you to consider every interaction you have with your husband, and, before you take any action or say anything, ask yourself if it is going to help or hurt your cause. Is it going to push him further away or pull him closer? Is it going to bring out positive feelings or negative ones? Because if he has left, you have a lot of negative feelings to address and you don't want to add on even more.
When You Interact With Your Husband, Show Him That The Woman He Fell In Love With Is At The Home He Left: Let me describe to you a scenario I see way too often. The wife is finally successful in getting her husband to at least come home just to talk. He comes in, tentatively, because he knows she's going to try to change his mind and engage him, and what does he find? Exactly what he expected. Chaos all around. The wife hasn't kept it together and is greeting him with puffy eyes and a desperate look.
I know from experience that it's oh so tempting to just order take out and watch chick flicks in your old, stand-by tattered robe (I did this quite a bit), but if you're going to do this, never let him know it. He doesn't want more negative experiences. He doesn't want to feel guilty. He wants to be pleasantly surprised by what he hopes to find instead of what he knows he will.
Even if you know and I know it is just for appearances (at least for now), get out, get moving, and be the vivacious, capable, happy go lucky, roll-with-the-punches woman he first fell in love with. Because, this is what he really wants. And, knowing that you are very able to keep right on keeping on will show both you and him that you have enough self respect and love for both of you and your home to maintain it.
Don't Repeatedly Talk About Your Problems Until The Marriage Can Withstand It: Sometimes, I see wives who finally get their husbands talking and maybe even get their husbands regularly interacting with them again, but then they mess the whole thing up by wanting to beat their problems to death before the marriage is back on solid ground. For whatever reason, they feel like they've got to "solve" everything before he can come back home or the marriage can be saved. Yes, problems will need to be addressed, but this doesn't need to happen immediately and moving too quickly could delay your progress big time.
To put it simply, two people who are in love can deal with almost anything. Problems seem very petty then, but people who are circling one another, knowing that they just might get the same old thing, don't want to dissect the marriage or talk about it endlessly. They just want to experience the good feelings and good experiences they know are possible, but have been absent lately.
So, take it slowly, and just worry about creating positive emotions and outings where the two of you are having fun together. You'll worry about the big stuff once you're both committed, present, and living under the same roof. But, to get to that point, it's best to put off the serious discussions.
When my husband left, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I wanted answers before he was ready, I stalked, and begged, threatened, and acted very badly. These things back fired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
