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Revitalize Your Relationship
5 tips to return the spark to your love life
"Relationships, like fires, need to be kept burning, else they'll go out!"
I know everyone says it, but I really do love people-watching; and perhaps, now and then, with a somewhat professional eye.
The dry rot of relationships: Terminal boredom
I'd seen this couple having lunch in this pub before and it was always the same. They were both about fifty and I guessed they'd been together since the Dark Ages. But even so, the sheer boredom emanating from each of them toward one another caught my attention. They sat in well, not an angry silence, but a "What can we possibly have left to talk about? We've said it all."
Had it always been like this? When had they become just a habit to each other, a barely noticed piece of unloved furniture? The man caught me studying his wife and threw me a look that said, "You're welcome to her, pal!" The green-eyed monster had obviously drifted into a deep, prolonged snooze. They didn't hate each other; it was worse, in a way. They'd become indifferent.
Can a dead relationship's embers be re-lit? Can we recapture the horse once it's bolted? Re-energize theokay, enough. Here are five things to look at:
1) Is your relationship a priority?
I think sometimes people are all too prepared to throw away a perfectly good relationship just because they've been led to believe they "shouldn't have to" make efforts. But relationships don't just look after themselves; they need to be maintained. A couple whose relationship has become stale may put the laundry, feeding the cat, doing yoga, and finishing the crossword puzzle before spending time with their partner.
Not at all surprisingly, one study found that the happiest couples spent the most leisure time together. Looking at 250 couples, the research found that, in particular, wives who spent the least leisure time with their husbands were the unhappiest (1).
Aim to have some uninterrupted time together every day and make it an important part of your day. Plan ahead and organize things that you both like to do. If you've spent decades just been going through the motions, this might feel a bit strange, but consider it a form of dating.
2) Do you use negative filters?
We may stop trying if we feel "whatever we do is wrong" and we "can't win". How we 'filter' the actions of our partner is very important. If we see even positive acts as "one good deed from an otherwise bad person", we'll feel negatively about our partner even when they make efforts.
For example, one man surprised his wife by buying wonderful food and taking her for a beautifully scenic picnic. Later, she said to him (in front of me): "That's the only nice thing you've done in seventeen years of marriage!" Now, that wasn't true; she'd become so used to perceiving him and his actions negatively that she couldn't help herself.
If you and your partner have started seeing each other through a 'negative filter', keep reading:
3) When was the last time you gave a good compliment?
So many couples come to feel it is their role in life to point out what is 'wrong' with their partner. They assume that 'what is right with them' is understood and doesn't need saying. This is a big mistake!
Compliments are powerful. Find things about which to compliment your partner and do so regularly. But remember that how you compliment is vital.
Don't just give empty compliments like, "You're wonderful!" This is nice to hear, but it's not specific enough. People know there are ways in which they are not wonderful. We're more likely to feel a compliment is sincere when it's linked to an event or time.
For example: "The way you handled that rude man in the bank was great. You stayed calm and stood your ground!" or "The way you danced tonight was amazing! I'd forgotten what a fantastic dancer you are!"
Your partner needs to be able to relate to the compliment.
4) Do you remember the last time you laughed?
That couple I'd been observing in the pub looked like they were performing an autopsy under the gaze of the deceased's relatives. It appeared that a smile, let alone a laugh, might wreak irreversible facial damage. Couples need to laugh together - sometimes.
Many couples have fantastic memories of having really funny times together. But those memories might just get left in the back closet of the mind, gathering dust.
Research tells us that couples develop stronger relationships when they intentionally remember funny times regularly. Psychologist Doris G. Bazzini and her team at Appalachian State University studied 52 couples and found that couples who recalled times they had laughed together immediately reported an increased satisfaction with their relationship (2).
But you can go further by just reminiscing together. How did you meet? How were you together during the initial thrill of getting to know each other? I asked one couple to tell me about the time they had first met. He smiled and her face suddenly brightened.
"We were in a bar, andit sounds corny, but our eyes met across the crowded space. It was like the parting of the Red Sea. It was just me and him - it was amazing."
They went on to talk about their early good times and I could tell they were feeling better about each other than they had in years.
Revivify early parts of your relationship. Remember how you laughed together, the fun you had, the excitement you used to feel when you saw each other.
5) Ready to reintroduce intimacy?
If lovemaking and physical affection have become rarer than an undisturbed rainforest, suddenly jumping back into bed with one another can feel daunting and unrealistic.
So begin to restore intimacy gradually. Take time to kiss your partner in the morning, then again the next time you see them. Sometimes make your kiss a little more lingering. Hold your partner's hand and touch each other (not necessarily in a sexual way) now and then. Then, when you do start to make love again, it will feel like a natural progression from this day-to-day affection and intimacy.
I haven't seen that couple in the pub in a while. Maybe he's had an affair with a nimble dancer and she's run off with their rugged handymanor maybe not.
(1) See John Gottman's book, How Marriages Succeed or Fail.
(2) Bazzini's study, which appeared in the January 2007 issue of the journal Motivation and Emotion, quotes her as saying: "There are several benefits from reminiscing about laughter. First, it induces laughter, and laughter has a positive affective component, because laughter has been shown to lower blood pressure, and it triggers the release of endorphins, which results in a sense of well-being. But you also reap this cognitive benefit which colors your judgment of the relationship and validates the self at the same time. I doubt that couples realize why it's so reinforcing. It says this is something special between us and creates a bond and cohesiveness in the relationship."
