subject: 3 Ways to Set Boundaries with Your Woman That Won't Push Her Away [print this page] 3 Ways to Set Boundaries with Your Woman That Won't Push Her Away
By Otto Collins
Chris feels like the only way to keep his wife happy is for him to remain quiet and pretty much go along with whatever she says. There are some things he'd like to bring up and talk with her about-- her tendency to get jealous easily and make decisions for him are a couple of examples-- but he's worried that she'll pull away from him.
That's what happened the last time Chris tried to set a boundary with his wife. She got defensive and hardly spoke a word to him for a week.
Because of this past experience, Chris tends to stay silent when it comes to difficult topics. The problem is, this is stressing him out. He feels resentful, angry and even more distant from his wife than ever.
If it seems to you that creating agreements, setting boundaries or even talking about tricky issues with your woman are only going to lead to more disconnection between the two of you, think again.
Yes, of course, there are probably many things that your partner could be doing differently. Your perception of her as closed-minded, defensive or even stubborn may even be somewhat accurate some (or a lot) of the time.
At the same time, you can actually make some changes in how you approach agreements and boundary-setting that can positively impact the outcome. You can actually communicate with her about touchy subjects AND also move closer to one another.
Here are some ways to do just that...
#1: Be clear within yourself about what the REAL issue is.
When it comes to relationships, sometimes what's really important can become cloudy and confused. You might find yourself arguing with your mate about an issue that is far different from what you set out to discuss in the first place.
Before you even go to talk with your partner, be clear within yourself about what is most important to you.
If, for example, you would like her to stop interrogating you when you've been out of town on business, make it clear to both yourself and to her that you'd like to talk about the jealousy. Don't begin to debate with her about money or any other topic during this particular conversation.
Instead, you could acknowledge it if another issue comes up and tell her that you're willing to talk about that-- but not right now.
For this conversation, make it your goal to focus in on sharing about what you want regarding this topic, listening to her response and finding a solution that you both can live with.
#2: Focus on what you DO want.
When setting boundaries, it can be tempting to lay out the "problem" as you see it and to make it clear that you want particular behaviors to stop.
This is understandable...but it can contribute to your mate being defensive or shutting down.
It can be helpful to both you and your partner for you to let her know how you feel when she says or does_______ (you fill in the blank) and it is also very effective for you to state what you DO want to happen.
If you'd like her to change how she communicates requests to you, rather than asking her not to "nag" or "hound" you about getting something done, try words like these instead...
"Would you ask me when I plan to get the job done instead of assume I will never do it?"
or
"Please check in with me to see where I am with a project before reminding me about it."
or even
"I am more likely to follow through and get the job done on time when you inquire about my progress rather than ask if I remembered to do it."
#3: Listen and be open to negotiation...without caving in.
For some men (and some women too), the idea of negotiating with their partner is the equivalent of "giving in" or "letting her (or him) win."
This doesn't have to be the case at all.
Just as it's important for you to be honest and willing to create agreements and set boundaries with your woman, it's just as important for you to listen to what she has to say too. Even if you think you already know how she'll react to your boundary or request, listen anyway and with as much openness as you can muster.
If you don't, you'll only be cutting yourself off from her and the kind of relationship that you want.
When you consider a negotiation with her, you can remain firm in what the "non-negotiable" points are for you while also being flexible on other points.
In just about every case, there is always room for BOTH of you to have your needs met and to come away feeling heard and satisfied with the final agreement.
