subject: Counselling - Who Else Wants to Learn About Building a Loving Relationship? [print this page] Counselling - Who Else Wants to Learn About Building a Loving Relationship?
Think of a time when you felt really great, special, fantastic, etc. Try to bring to mind the details of the event. Where were you? Who were you with? What were you doing? Do yourself a favour and don't read any further until you have a specific event firmly in your mind's eye. If you were to stop and jot down some of the details of that event...even better.OK, assuming you have this picture in mind, who was listening to you and what were you sharing with them about yourself? Again, in order to get the most out of this exercise, don't read any further until you clearly answer this question.We all want to be accepted for who we are, warts and all, in spite of the fact that there are many thing we don't agree on with others and may never agree on. We want to be respected and loved. That being said, very few people I've met over the years have a surplus of these experiences where they've felt really loved, respected and accepted just as they are.Why is this the case?The answer is surprisingly simple. Very few of us were taught how to listen objectively, without trying to superimpose our own thoughts and feelings onto another person. Because so few of us know how to listen well, we unknowingly send out negative messages to those we care about. Our mate is trying to share with us and we attempt to shut them down, mould their line of reasoning or change their belief system.We were taught many things like reading, writing, speaking, debating, etc., yet how many of us were taught how to listen? Not many.What about people who were raised in households where children were "seen and not heard?" This was a very commonplace pattern of child rearing for millions of children, so how would these children learn how to listen well to others if they don't learn it in the home and school?Listening...a key skill of spouses who build strong marriages because it tells their partner that they care about them as individuals, that they matter. They take the time to listen to their mate's thoughts and feelings, even though he/she may disagree strongly.If my wife and I say we love each other but won't put in the effort to learn how to listen to each other, are we being completely honest? Will we listen to our uniquely different points of view that are a result of such things as: growing up in different homes, with different parents, and because we are of the "opposite" sex?
