subject: Couples Counseling Insights: The Argument That Never Goes Away [print this page] Couples Counseling Insights: The Argument That Never Goes Away
Do you and your partner find yourselves arguing over the same issue, time and time again? Maybe it is about finances, household chores or maybe not having sex frequently enough. This is not uncommon. In fact most, if not all, couples that seek help from relationship therapists have one or two issues that keep coming up.
"Here We Go Again"
Often, couples become locked in heated arguments that have that "here we go again" feeling and typically end with both partners feeling deeply hurt or misunderstood. Two things are striking about recurring arguments: first is the intensity; second is that the couples themselves describe the arguments as being about trivial' things.
What's Really Going On?
The intensity and frequency with which certain issues come up may be an indication that what you are arguing about is far more important or substantive than who did not take out the garbage. Underneath these arguments, you and your partner are fighting about your relationship.
Even though working toward a solution by finding common ground or compromise may seem like a logical approach, for these types of arguments that may be a mistake.
Getting to the Heart of the Matter
Relationship therapy can provide a safe space for couples to explore and discuss the deeper more troubling concerns at the heart of things.
Some common discussion themes may include:
How do you feel about me? (Feeling unacknowledged, dismissed, unloved,disrespected)
Do you value me in this relationship? (Feelings of worthlessness, not goodenough, rejection)
Feelings of loneliness, isolation or abandonment
Should We Try This At Home?
Next time you and your partner become locked in one of these arguments, try one or more of the following:
Stop the argument. Tell your partner "Can we stop here? It feels like we are hurting each other. What is this really about?"
Take a moment to hear hurt in your partner's anger or defensiveness. Ask yourself "what did I just say or do that hurt her/him?" If you don't understand how a comment such as you never take out the trash' can make your partner angry or defensive, ask what happened when you made that comment because he/she seemed hurt.
Take a time-out. If the argument is too heated and both of you are unable to calm down, take some time to de-escalate, but make sure you let the other know that it is important to you to come back and talk later when you are more calm.
Time to Reflect and Learn
When alone, take a moment to assess what was hurtful to you in the argument. Also, think about what your partner was feeling hurt about. When you feel like talking, approach your partner with an apology such as, "When I said you never take out the garbage it must have made you feel that I don't acknowledge all the other things you contribute to the relationship and I'm sorry."
Take time later to really understand and hear your partner.
Often, how you approach your partner later and make an attempt to repair your relationship after an argument is more important than what was said during the argument.
When each of you feels heard and understood by the other, defensiveness and anger will subside and both of you will be in a better place to talk about solutions to the problem that started the disagreement in the first place.
