subject: He Says It's Over But I Want To Save My Marriage: Insights That Might Help [print this page] He Says It's Over But I Want To Save My Marriage: Insights That Might Help
I recently got correspondence from a wife whose husband had been repeatedly telling her that their marriage was "over." The wife did not want to accept this because in her eyes, it would never be over. She felt very strongly that if she could just convince her husband to give her a chance and to work with her to save the marriage, they might actually have a chance.
She just could not bear to close the door on the relationship that they had worked so hard to build. She could not ever imagine her life without him and she certainly did not want to.
She said in part "he keeps telling me that it's over but I'm having a hard time accepting this. Do I just have to believe what he's telling me? I know that if he would just back upa little bit and let me work to save our marriage, I could change things. But all he wants to do is tell me that it's over so that I just accept his and leave him alone. What are my options? What's the best strategy right now?"
I remember the days like this when my husband's mantra seemed to be "it's over" and mine used to be "not for me it isn't." And frankly if I had taken my husband's words to heart, I would no longer be married today. I'm glad I didn't listen. It's not always possible to change his mind. But sometimes it is if you play your cards right.
In the following article, I'll outline some strategies I finally got to work when I had to save my own marriage. I didn't always play these correctly, but I did eventually learn my lessen and got them to work.
Just Because He Thinks It's Over For Him, That Doesn't Mean It's Over For You. A Difference Of Opinion Does Not Have To Mean The End Of Your Marriage: People change their minds all of the time as they get new information. They also change their minds oncethey see (usually over time) that they were wrong. But in order for this to happen, you will need to stay the course while not being so pushy about it that you only make him commit tohis position even more.
It's OK if you don't agree right now. Accept that you have some work to do and realize that arguing with your husband about this will likely only alienate him from you that much more. For now, you'll likely have to play the cards that are already in your hand and take what you already have to work with since you're already on shaky ground.
I completely believe that you can save your marriage in this situation, but you often aren't going to do it by arguing with him or insisting that he see things your way. Instead, you're going to show him why it makes sense to change his mind often without him even knowing what you're doing.
Saving Your Marriage When Your Husband Is Reluctant Or Not Committed To Doing So Often Requires A Very Gradual Strategy: Since your husband keeps telling you it's over, it's unrealistic to think that you are going to be able to change his mind extremely quickly without laying some ground work first.
He probably didn't come to this decision over night, so he's not likely to change it that quickly either. I also have to tell you that often you won't change his mind about saving the marriage with words. Wives often ask me what they should say to get him to save the marriage. They are looking for the perfect words or the most effective letter to change his mind.
But husbands who think it' s over are skeptical of words that they've likely been hearing all along. That's why your actions carry so much more weight. And when you do give him words, you want to give him words that he hasn't heard from you before so that he actually listens this time.
The Process Of Saving Your Marriage When Your Husband Says It's Over: Here's the thing. Before you can change his mind about your marriage, you'll likely have to change his perceptions about you. Because many husbands who visit my blog and contact me confess that they think the woman they married is long gone. They may well miss her, but they don't think she's coming back.
And many wives in this situation are naturally going to be showing him someone who is probably the worst version of themselves the one driven by fear and desperation. Well, when this happens, it only reinforces their view that you and the marriage have changed.
So you have to show them (rather than telling them repeatedly) that you have not changed and that you are still the same woman they fell in love with. This often requires for you to step back and evaluate what your husband loved about you and how you're coming off right now. There should not be that great of a difference.
I know that I'm asking something that may be quite difficult. But it's going to be worth it when you see him start to be more receptive again. Speaking of his being receptive, during this process, you don't want to harp on the fact that you're trying to save the marriage.
You will often do better if you back off from that. Instead, you want him to know that the most important thing to you is to maintain the relationship. Yes, the relationship might change and evolve. But he's too important to you to just turn your back on it. Sure, the marriage may be over in his eyes. But the relationship between the two of you doesn't have to be over just because the marriage is struggling.
Now I know that you don't accept it's over. But if this is the way you have to play it to gain some ground, it's worth it. We know that you're going to be trying to save your marriage all along, but he doesn't necessarily have to constantly be reminded of that.
And by backing off a little bit, you'll often get more access to him and he will be less guarded. When this happens, you just slowly start to rebuild and start to work your way back. Yes, this is going to be gradual work. No, you might not get immediate gratification.
But clearly, if he's telling you that it's over, there's a lot of ground to make up. And this is the best way that I know to do it. I'm absolutely convinced that this method has a much higher success rate than arguing or debating with him in an attempt to change his mind. Because those things make him even more determined to prove to you that it's over. And this isn't what you want.
As I said, I had to use this method to save my own marriage. And I truly believe this is the only thing that would have worked. If you want to read about how this played out for me (and the many mistakes I made,) you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
