subject: Dating Done Differently [print this page] Dating Done Differently Dating Done Differently
We tend to think about relationships in a mechanistic way, meaning that we believe that all relationships can be fixed, or given the right medicine, just as a car can be fixed if the problem is identified and treated. Additionally, we tend to view relationships idealistically and romantically, believing, somewhat naively, that all relationships can be 'forever'. Instead if we were to consider what does this relationship want for us and from us? Or why has this relationship come into being and into my life at this time? These questions begin to hint at the deeper level of relationship life, the part that is beyond our conscious intentions and motivations, the part that we cannot control because it threads into the bigger tapestry of life.
Many authors have spoken about the deeper levels operating on our relationships. Thomas Moore talks eloquently about soulful relationships, and says that it is in honoring the impulses of the soul that we find our way into its mysteries, into the deep nature of our relationship. he recommends taht we value both the impulses towards attachement or togetherness and seperation or alonetime. In going deeply into the essence of these impulses , in reconciling these opposites within us, we come more authenticaly into contact with soul in relationship.
Author and psychotherapist, Arnold Mindell, has introduced the concept of 'relationship myth', which can be found, he says, in early dreams, fantasies and unexpected events that occur in the first days and dates of a relationship. The relationship myth tends to consistently predict the problems a couple runs into years down the track. This is true he says, because effectively relationships dream people together!
Take a moment to think about this, because the implications are profound. Mindell says there is evidence for an impersonal dreaming-body or spirit in the background of life and relationships. Like a Director of a play or movie, it is usually unseen, but carefully constructs the plot and searches for certain actors. Now to be chosen for a movie can be flattering - but that doesn't mean its going to be a great role! We need to look carefully at the script, and see if we like what we see. The relationship myth allows us to do just that!
We can do this by being mindful in the first moments of a new relationship; paying special attention to things that don't fit, that disturb or shock or interest you; paying attention also to the unique elements, for example:
Where and how did you meet?
Where there any unusual circumstances around your meeting?
What convinced you to go on a date or start a relationship?
What interested you or excited you about the other person?
Were there other people involved in things unfolding (parents, coworkers, ex-lovers, political figures, children)?
Did anything unusual or eventful happen?
A really quick way to examine the ingredients of your relationship myth is to tell the story about how you met. Grab some paper now and write it down as you or your partner would tell it to others, then examine for the mythic elements.
Knowing something about your myth doesn't guarantee you will live happily ever after; Mindell advises us that this is simply not the purpose or the dreaming in the background of all relationships. Some people come together to have children, to start a project, to work through their personal stuff. Relationships occur for all kinds of reasons and have numerous plot-lines and once this mythic purpose has been served relationships usually come to an end.
So what then are the benefits of knowing the myth that brings you into contact with another? The answer is that knowing and learning how to follow the mythic elements of relationship allows us to more deeply and consciously enter into relationship. So many people I speak with tell me, in hindsight, that they saw the signals of their current relationship problems in the first days of their new relationship - but they ignored these signs! This is the relationship myth - and I havent met anyone yet who wasn't able to see the myth in hindsight. More importantly people are able to use this wisdom to move forward and make more informed choices the next time around.
Take the example of a woman I saw recently, who had just managed to escape an increasingly violent relationship. She told me about the first signal she ignored. They were on their second date, he was driving her home when someone in the traffic cut in front of him.he became momentarily enraged and actually punched the car stereo with his fist. She felt shocked and thought his reaction was excessive, but told me "I wrote it off as uncharacteristic behaviour because in every other way he seemed so nice." She vowed never to ignore a simple but meaningful signal again.
I also hear many stories about relationships that begin through infidelity only to break up, often years later, through another infidelity. If your relationship began through cheating, then the cheater is an ingredient in the relationship soup; a part of your myth together as a couple. This doesn't mean all such relationships are doomed to the same fate instead it depends how consciously the couple work with the cheater' in them as individuals and in their relationship. Working openly together with the role of the cheat' may in fact bring deeper connection and intimacy and trust to your relationship. This involves finding the essence of the role of cheat - is this role about freedom or about excitement, for example, and how can these qualities be more consciously brought into your life as a couple.
This concept of relationship myth is so powerful, because it offers us such clear insight into the deepest patterns of our relationship lives. This takes us well beyond the usual one size fits all couple therapy' strategies and allows us to tune into the very nature of our relationship. It is as though we have been given the recipe and then can improvise with how we mix and play with those essential ingredients - or whether we play at all! Using awareness from the outset, we can all come closer to having the relationships we want and deserve.
One tip I regularly give to people is to use the 'traffic light' system when first dating: If you get all green signals then go ahead as fast as safety permits, but if there are amber or red signals, then slow down or stop until you have fully examined the meaning of these signals for you and your relationship.
