subject: Being a girl : A Blessing or a Curse [print this page] Being a girl : A Blessing or a Curse Being a girl : A Blessing or a Curse
Being a girl: A Blessing or a Curse
This is a question I have been pondering in my mind ever since I have been married. Am I a blessing or a curse to this world, to my family, to my husband or my child?
You would probably think, who would think like that in this day and age, maybe in a village or an undeveloped country where girls and women are treated like that even today. But no, I am talking about a country where people swear this is not the case and you generally hear people saying "We are an educated country"; "Other countries look upon us with pride and even ask us for advice on a lot of things". Then you are forced to think "Why is it that a girl or a woman still doesn't have a say in many things". "Why it that she is is still treated as some kind of toy?"
You will never believe how my life has turned up. I was born in Delhi, since my father worked for the government, we were never in one place, we got transferred to Dehra Dun then back to Delhi again and then the most incredible thing happened, my father (very intelligent man) was selected for Deputation to go and work in Washington D.C for the Embassy of India and the best thing was with his family! The best part of my life was when I was in Washington, I will always cherish those wonderful four years that I lived there and studied in America. I think that God had really bestowed his choicest blessings on my family at that time, because that was the last that my family has ever been together or been really happy.
When I was 13 I came back to India, New Delhi, with great difficulty I got admission to a school as it was October, but I did get admission finally to a school, I had a tough time adjusting to the students because it was not a very high flying school and everyone looked at me with awe and every time I spoke with an American accent, but I never had airs about me and never showed off, I just did my best to blend in, and I did, I made good friends. I had a pretty good school life, did well in studies in spite of the fact that I had to start from scratch with my Hindi and I had to really struggle with Math's as it was way tougher then the American standard in schools, but I did manage. I passed out of school and went to a girl's college, one of the best reputed colleges in Delhi; I had a fantastic time there, made a really good friend who is still close to me.
Well that was my life in Delhi, as soon as I finished college I came to Chennai, since my father retired from his service, we thought the best thing was to go back to our roots and settle in Chennai where all our relatives are, I think that was the worst decision we made, or I made. My father wanted me to continue with my studies, but I was 19 and was dying to go to work and earn money. So I started working and I did not earn much because at that time the salary was not much in Chennai, but I never complained and I enjoyed working in all the places I worked, especially the last job I worked before I got married, I know if I continued even for another year there I would have really made a good name for myself, but that was not to be.
I got married in 2002, that was the end to my independence, the first thing that happened was I had to quit my job, because I was pregnant, my husband went to U.S, but even when he was there he would call me every day and make me cry all the time, I had a miserable pregnancy, thanks to my husband, in my seventh month I was told I have gestational diabetes, I was on Insulin three times a day, and my parents house was very far from the hospital. I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning and catch a train at 5: 30 am on an empty stomach to reach the hospital at 7 am for my routine check every month. It was a really hard time for me and my parents, well I finally had a caesarian and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, as soon as he was born my father rushed with him to the children's hospital as he had low sugar, he was away from his mother as soon as he was born in the ICU ward, maybe that's why he does not have any feelings for me now. My husband came after a week, he picked up a quarrel as soon as he came to my house, and he made me cry and even started talking about a divorce right in front of his mother just to scare me. She (my mother in law) did not even say a word to her son, I just picked up my son and walked out the house, but everyone followed me and brought me back to the house, my father was devastated, he asked me "How much more are you going to make us suffer?" I started crying uncontrollably and I got the fits and was rushed to the hospital. Even after all this happened my husband got away scot free I was made the bad guy or woman in this case.
After that my life has never been a peaceful one, for no reason at all my husband would pick up quarrels with me, criticizes my family. Now I realize, even if a person lives abroad, lives a good life, moves around with people, the roots of the person never changes, that is the case of my husband, he is from deep south, but has lived and worked for most of his life in U.S., I never thought that it would make a difference that though we were brought up in different worlds it would change our attitude in looking at things, but it does.
My husband never had a steady mind, he can never make up his mind on his own, and even now he asks his parents for advice on everything, so he went back to U.S, only to return after 5 months after his father asked him to come back for good. Thankfully, he got a good job thanks to a recommendation from a family friend, now he is in the same company but at the Director level, so you can imagine what a sharp and intelligent mind he might have yet.
I am still a Diabetic (it is hereditary in my family) and I am still insulin dependent, I also have thyroid since my pregnancy. I am bringing up my son single handily, my husband does not help in anything, he gives the excuse that he was brought up that way, and his mother only manages everything while his father just goes to work. Even though health wise I am not 100% well I managed everything up until now, my son, his school admission, household things, buying and going shopping, while he just earns the bread for the family. I have even worked from home from 2006,I worked U.S time zones as I was working for companies based in U.S, so it has been very tough for me to mange my son, my job and my household activities all together by myself. The best part of it all is that I have even given most of my earnings to my husband when he bought two houses; I even continued to pay for the loan for one of the houses till last year. I ask you, is that the only responsibility of a man, just to earn for his family? He is it a sin to help a woman in the kitchen and with household buying or looking after the child?
Well, I was handling everything smoothly till last year, when the most dreadful thing happened to me. It was May 2010, my in-laws were after my life to come down to their place for the holidays as they wanted to see their grandson, for some reason my husband doesn't like me going there, so against his wishes I went down , it was a very hot summer last year and my in-laws took me to a series of functions to three different south locations, I don't know what happened but I started feeling uneasy, I was not hungry and I the heat was getting to me and so was the travelling, but I did not say a word to my in-laws. As a consequence I did not eat for 3-4 days, and as I did not eat I did not put insulin for the days either, I just drank soda whenever I could to remove that uneasiness in my stomach and to escape the heat I was feeling. For the last function, (it was my husband's cousin's marriage) my husband came down from Chennai to attend and take us back with him to Chennai.
We came back to Chennai on the same day, at midnight around 1 am, and as soon as I came back to my house, I just could not hold out, I felt the sickness coming, I went straight to bed. When I woke up in the morning then it started, I felt like vomiting and a sudden pain all over my body, even at the slightest touch I would wimpier in pain, so my husband along with my uncle and mother ( who came rushing down to my house) admitted me to a nearby hospital. I was put in ICU and I fell unconscious, after two days I woke up to find that I was in ICU and I was told that my sugar levels were past 630 and now it was normal, so I was shifted to a normal ward, I was doing fine for two days but suddenly I started to feel numb in my hands and legs, no one believed me and the nurses there kept saying that when I go home I will be alright when I start giving myself work to do at home, but as soon as I went home I felt really sick I was throwing up everything I ate, so I got admitted again, this time to a Diabetic hospital, where again I was in ICU and I was diagnosed with Hepatitis B, and was given treatment according, but as the numbness kept increasing in my body, no one could pinpoint the cause. So again I got admitted to a well known hospital, and in two days the cause for the numbness was found, I had what is called Gilliam Barre Syndrome, a virus had attacked my nerves and that's why I was getting numb all over, and my face had become paralyzed. I was on IVIG fluids to stop the virus from spreading. So I was on the road to recovery, or so I thought, as soon as I came to the normal ward, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and realized my pillow and my bedspread was bloodstained, I was bleeding from the nose, and so my woes continued. My husband came rushing at 4 am, and he was shocked to see me, and he said "this happens to only bad people, those people who have really done a lot of wrong in life", I looked at him and said "I have not done anything wrong, I don't even talk badly about anyone", with a lot of frustration he says "That's what I am saying, this should not be happening to you". I still remember those words he said, and the way he cried each time something happened to me, I thought I had misjudged him and he really did care for me and he really loved me. I think it was this thinking that made me get better sooner than anyone expected. Anyways, it was because of an overdose of Heparin (an injection given to patients so the blood does not get clotted), I was given new blood, plasma, and there was no veins left by the time I came out of the hospital. Finally I did come out after 2 months and went straight home, I was still numb all over, my face was still paralyzed as I was slowly recovering, not even a week since I was out a hospital my husband started showing his true colors, he did not care that I
had not recovered and I really need his support at this time. He started bad mouthing my parents, my brother, my sisters (who are in Canada), my brother is in Pune and he has just started a restaurant, so he was stuck he could not come as he was waiting for the sanction to come, he sent his wife to look after me for a month, while he looked after the house and his son. My husband was so angry that he did not come to see me, he still is, he just could not understand that people have their own commitments, my parents are old and my mother has a fractured leg and my father does not keep well either, but still they came to see me and prayed for me, my father even paid for half the amount of the hospital charges, but nothing is good enough for my husband or his family. They still talk as though my parents have not done anything.
Now, it's been a year, I have finally recovered (apart from a little numbness still in my feet) and I have to put on at least 10 kilos of weight. Everything is the way it used to be, I have started taking all my responsibilities and all the other work I used to do before, cooking shopping for groceries, looking after my son, teaching him, etc. But still, nothing is good enough for my husband, he keeps criticizing me and my parents and hurting me at every opportunity he gets.
What I want to know is, all the affection and love I felt and saw in my husband's eyes when I was in the hospital, was it all false, just a face he wants to show to the outside world? You would think that after going through so much and a miracle that I was saved from all that I went through, my husband would at least be kind towards me and show some mercy, but no, he is downright cruel in his words and his only aim is to make me cry and see me in pain. I know now that he is a sadist; he loves to emotionally disturb and hurt me.
After all I have been through, now my father is suffering, he has four blocks in his heart, and he needs to get a bypass surgery done. A normal person would feel for the man, especially a relative but not my husband, it's as though he is very happy to see him suffer. Now he has given me new rules for this year, I should not go to my parent's house anymore. My father is going to have a surgery on Monday 14th April, 2011, and my husband is not letting me go to the house to see him, is this right? I feel like a slave in this house as though I am here only to look after our son and do the cooking. Why doesn't he think that despite living in Delhi and being in the U.S, this girl is simple and has been listening to whatever he says since the time we have been married. He believes since my parents are parents of a girl they should always have their head bent before him, they should always treat him and his parents like God. This is not right, this kind of thinking prevailed in the olden days, but now things are different, girls are finally given credit and are well educated and independent. Why don't people realize that breaking a marriage is very easy, but it is very difficult to mend it and it is usually the women who suffer and take all kinds of torments from the men but still stick there to keep the so called marriage going, only because of their children, which is what I am doing, I am staying on just for my son. He is a very intelligent boy and also very innocent, I saw him getting ruined right in front of my eyes by people who are supposed to be well wishers, during the time I was not well. I don't want that happening again, but I really don't know what to do. I am praying with all my heart, for my husband to change, but it does not seem to be working, looks like even God doesn't want to help me here.
Is being born a girl child really that bad? I think so, though I am living in a cosmopolitan city with media and people all around talking about girl power and women's independence, do you really think it exists? For here I am and God knows how many others who are stuck in a relationship with a person who thinks of himself as Supreme Authority and his word is final, who thinks he can make rules and keep the women in confines, surprisingly they are getting away with it too. For there is no one to hear the cries or distress of these women who are alone and they have no one to turn to for help. I just pray to god that if there is a another life, please don't make me a girl, because I think it is a misery for the girl as well as her parents once they grow up, as there is no support or help in cases like mine.
