subject: "I Know I Should Forget My Ex...But I Just Can't." [print this page] "I Know I Should Forget My Ex...But I Just Can't."
By Susie and Otto Collins
It's been over a year and Shane still isn't over the breakup of his relationship. When he fell in love with Carolyn, he was 100% sure that she was "the one" for him. They shared an apartment and shared their dreams with one another-- they shared they lives together.
After Carolyn moved out and ended their relationship, Shane was heart broken. It took months for him to feel anything close to himself again. To be honest, it took months for him to want to go on.
Now, it's a year later and Shane does feel better. He goes out with friends, works out at the gym and has renewed his focus on his career. He has even gone on a few dates. Well-meaning buddies of his have fixed him up with attractive and nice women.
It would be a lie to say that he didn't have a decent time on these dates...but he's not interested in a relationship yet. Shane tells himself that he should forget Carolyn and open up to these women he's meeting, but he just can't seem to do that. Despite himself, he usually compares the women he meets to Carolyn-- and they all fall short.
Shane doesn't want to sleep alone for the rest of his life, but he can't picture himself with anyone but his ex.
The breakup of your relationship may have been yesterday, last month or even years ago and you might have similar thoughts running through your mind
"I need to just forget her."
"I should move on."
"I need to erase him from my memory."
It's understandable that your inclination might be to push yourself to forget your ex. After all, who wants to keep re-living the pain and grief that often comes with a breakup?!
As difficult as it may be to face the fact that you're now single and as uncomfortable and overwhelming as your feelings may be right now, to literally just forget your ex and move on isn't realistic (and is maybe impossible).
To just forget your ex is not necessarily beneficial to your healing either.
Here's why...
Try as hard as you will, if you had a relationship with this person, it's likely that he or she became intertwined with your life. You can't really pick up where you left off and somehow pretend that your ex didn't have an impact on you and your life.
That is denial and denial is not going to help you feel better in the long run.
Know that you don't have to forget your ex in order to move past a broken heart.
You can actually remember your ex and your past relationship as you make the conscious decision to heal. Are we advocating that you live in the past or get all caught up in your memories?
Absolutely not.
You can honor, appreciate and learn from the experiences you had with your ex. If you don't feel appreciation for him for her, that's okay. You don't have to. In fact, you don't have to do anything.
The point here is that you can remember your ex. You can acknowledge that there were possibly some great times that you two shared together and there were possibly some horrible times too. You can acknowledge it all.
And, you can also learn from what happened. Know that you are a different person-- for better or worse-- not at the fault of your ex, but because of the experiences that you two shared together. You can make decisions that will help you create your desired future (which may include another love relationship) based on what you learned.
Remember that you can make the choice to live the best life you can right here and now.
When you give yourself permission to remember your ex (when you want to), there is generally a softening. The grief and emotions may still come up, but when you stop trying to forget him or her it's usually easier to move through those moments.
What you're likely to discover is that the fight stops too. We're talking about the internal fight involving your emotions and your beliefs about what you think you "should" be doing to heal-- this fight keeps you in pain and stuck in the past.
Even as you're struck by a memory of your ex that makes you feel sad, mad or wistful, you can remind yourself that you have choice. In this very moment, you can make a choice to live the best life for you.
The specifics of what that looks like will vary, but ultimately, you get to decide what that looks like. Really listen to yourself so that you'll know what you need for support and care so that you can feel better and heal.
