subject: How to Find the Right Partner for a Healthy Relationship [print this page] How to Find the Right Partner for a Healthy Relationship
You may be familiar with Attachment Theory, observed attachment patterns of children with their caregivers, that seem to predict certain behaviors. The authors of the new book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Findand KeepLove, claim that attachment styles do not end in childhood, but can also be seen in adults. Knowledge of this theory can also help you find and build healthy relationships when you are aware of (and your partner's) attachment style.
Scientific American Mind published an excerpt from the book and the authors offer a quiz to determine your style. Find out which style you have. Access the quiz here: Compatibility Quiz
Their theory states "individuals perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children." There are three main styles: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.
Secure
I think it's relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and vice versa. I'm not often afraid of being abandoned or someone getting too close to me.
Anxious
I find that others do not want to get as close as I'd like. I often fear that my partner does not really love me, or does not want to stay with me. I would like to merge totally with someone, and this desire sometimes scares people away.
Avoidant
I am a bit uncomfortable with being close to others: I find it difficult to trust entirely and it's not easy to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and romantic partners often want me to be more intimate with them than I feel comfortable.
Every person, whether he or she has just started dating someone or has been married for 40 years, falls into one of these categoriesor, more rarely, into a combination of anxious and avoidant. Just more than 50 percent are estimated to be secure, around 20 percent are anxious, 25 percent are avoidant, and the remaining 3 to 5 percent fall into the mixed anxious/avoidant category.1
As with many things in life, the more you know, the better decision you can make. If you are single, you can tell right away if there is a discrepancy between attachment styles, on the first date! If so, it is best to find a mate with a complementary style. If you are in a committed relationship, defining your style and your partner's style can help to understand their point of view, which can lead to clearer communication.
