subject: How to start difficult conversations [print this page] How to start difficult conversations How to start difficult conversations
Some conversations with your partner can be very difficult, and potentially conflictual. Relationship researcher and psychologist Dr. John Gottman has learned that the way a conflict discussion begins can determine the course and tone of the entire conversation. Dr. Gottman's research suggests that how women start these conversations tend to predict what happens for the rest of the discussion.
Six Predictive Components of Communication Start-up
Start Gently; Complain Don't Blame
Complaining is much different than criticizing. Criticizing is a statement which tends to generalize and attack the other person's character and value. Using the phrases "always" and "never" have a critical tone. Complaining is different, in that it is more descriptive, rather than evaluative. Complaining effectively follows these characteristics;
describing the situation in a nonjudgemental manner
expressing the emotional features about the situation
asking for what you need
Use "I" Statements Rather Than "You" Statements
Statements that start with the word "you" instead of the word "I" tend to be more likely to be critical and to make your partner defensive. Instead of saying, "You never pay any attention to me", rephrasing this to "I'd really like it if you listened and paid attention to me" will have a much different effect on the listener. This slight but important difference may make the conversation flow more constructively and productively. Beware of not cheating though, that is forming a 'you' statement that starts with "I". For example, "I think you're really nasty" is actually a "you" statement, not an "I" statement.
Be Descriptive of What Is Happening, Don't Evaluate
Rather than assessing, evaluating, judging, blaming, criticizing or accusing, simply describe what you see is happening. Be as descriptive as you can. For example, rather than saying "You are so lazy, you never help wash the dishes after dinner", say "For the last week, I've been cleaned up the dinner dishes by myself". This may be the difference between having a defensive, debate type of argument and having a conversation that can bring the two of you together around solving a solvable problem.
Say What You Need In Positive Terms
Instead of having your partner guess what you need, or to read your mind, express your needs and wants clearly, concisely and explicitly. Say what you hope to be different or what you want, rather than what you don't want. For example, instead of stating your wish in a negative manner (which would probably sound critical), state it positively. A negative statement might be "I wish you weren't such a slob" versus a positive statement of "I'd really appreciate it if you cleaned up after yourself".
Be Nice
This sounds a bit silly, but it goes a really long way in any relationship. If you treat you partner like you treat your house guests, that is with courtesy and respect, the manner in which you interact and communicate will change for the positive. Adding simple, yet effective phrases and terms like "please", "thank you" and "I'd appreciate..." will be beneficial to all.
Give Appreciations
Noticing what your partner is doing well and what you are grateful for is always a good idea. Don't take your partners efforts for granted, instead be thankful for them. Catch your partner doing something right and then deliberately thank them for it.
In Summary
Using the six qualities and characteristics of starting a conversation will help set the tone of the conversation and helps determine a lot of what happens during the course of the conversation. Use these aspects regularly will aid in changing any negative communication and interactional habits and patterns that you and your partner have developed.
