subject: When "We" Means Losing Me - 5 Signs of a Controlling Relationship [print this page] When "We" Means Losing Me - 5 Signs of a Controlling Relationship
When I show up for you, "inception" becomes the order of the day. It's as though you expect your thoughts to become my thoughts. And I struggle with having to decide, "Will it be we or me?" Sound familiar?Controlling Relationships and Controlled LivesI often hear women ask if their loss of self in their intimate relationship is due to the characteristics of their controlling relationship or due to the nature of their personality. My sense is, in many cases, it is both.Would you know if you were embarking on or enmeshed in a controlling relationship? How do you know if you're entangled in an intimate relationship with a controlling spouse? 1) Your Time Is His Time. When he walks in that door, you are "on-call" to serve and accommodate. And this expectation leaves angst in you...a knot in your stomach. Your clock is his clock and you know he is checking it round the clock. So you best be on time for your controlling partner. 2) Your Needs Are His Needs. You forget that you even have needs while in your preoccupation to satisfy his. Now, on face value, this may sound like the admirable quality of selfless service. Here is how you know it isn't selfless service.The one you are serving is insatiable. No matter how much you serve, he's never fully satisfied. It's as though he keeps you giving to your depletion. 3) Your Preferences Are His Preferences. His opinions are clear to you and readily integrated into your psycheso much that you think they are yours. And then the day comes when you realize that you have no preferences.You wouldn't know what you want if you wanted to know. Your desires are so buried within that they cannot be known even by you, much less shared with someone else.4) Your Spending Is at His Discretion. You may have your own money, but your spending it is at his discretion. He has two votes to your one when it comes to financial matters. Maybe it is true that he has a better grasp of money matters (so you think), but that doesn't imply that you can't make financial decisions. 5) Your Problems Become His Problems. On face value this may sound good, but that's not really true. If you reflexively defer to him before and instead of consulting with yourself, you may have lost your ability to hear, trust and follow your own inner wisdom.When you have a problem, you rush to him for a solution as though he is holding the book of answers. Not only does he see himself as a "problem-solver," which most men do, you come to count on him solving your problems.If you are in a relationship in which you want what he wants when he wants it and can even anticipate it before he says it, ask yourself if you want it too. If you do, then you are in marital bliss. If a voice within says, you don't, then you may be in a controlling relationship.
