subject: How You Can Help A Survivor Of Sexual Abuse [print this page] How You Can Help A Survivor Of Sexual Abuse
If you know someone who's been sexually traumatized and you would like to know how to help, there are some basic steps you can take. If you follow these guidelines you will not only help them along a healing path, you will strengthen your relationship with that person.
It is always helpful to encourage a survivor of sexual trauma to get help through individual and or group therapy. Although they may want to get through it on their own, it can be very difficult to move on from a traumatic experience in isolation. Often, the painful feelings and memories don't go away. Routines, relationships and ways of thinking and feeling just aren't the same since the trauma. It's ok for you to share what you observe and/or your concerns.
When you offer your support, be clear that the rape or assault was in no way the survivor's fault. Guilt is a core issue and can often reside at the subconscious level. Even if the survivor tells you they know it wasn't their fault, they may believe somewhere deep down that it was. Have compassion and understand that such feelings are a normal part of the process of healing from trauma.
Validate their feelings and make it safe for the survivor to feel them. They may not even really even know what they are feeling and that's ok. This is common. Often, feelings are acted out in behaviors that are less than optimal. Substance abuse, relationship conflict, even physical symptoms may be manifestations of unresolved trauma.
Survivors must learn to identify, accept and express these feelings. As if that isn't enough of a challenge, they must then find a way to have these difficult feelings heard by an all-accepting, non-judgmental and non-blaming witness.
If she or he is ready to share then your job is to be the validator - the stamp of unconditional acceptance and approval. Believe what what you hear and reflect that back to your friend. Even if she/he isnt clear about what happened - has vague memories etc., or even if what you hear sounds extreme, believe it and empathize.
Let them know that you are open to hearing anything they wishto share, and that you are willing to be there, bear witness and simply listen. Your job is not to fix, it is to listent and reflect back with empathy. If you feel anger, sadness, or any feelings about the abuse be sure to share them.
Validate the harm your friend has suffered. Keep in mind that all sexual abuse is damaging. Even if it's not violent, physically harmful or ongoing. Any event that leaves a person feeling overwhelmed and alone can be considered a serious trauma and have real and long lasting repercussions. At the same time, do not see or refer to your friend as a victim. See them as a survivor. Acknowledge their strength and courage as they travel the path of healing.
Lasty, be an ally. If you know the abuser, don't sympathize with that person. The survivor needs absolute loyalty in order to create and preserve a sense of safety.
