subject: This Time, Yes, This Time [print this page] This Time, Yes, This Time This Time, Yes, This Time
For the enemy hath persecuted my soul ... he hath made me to dwell in darkness ... therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate ... I stretch forth my hands unto Thee, my soul thirsteth after Thee ... hear me speedily, O Lord ... hide not Thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. Psalm 143:3-7
This time I am completely alone.
This time I dwell in a familiar yet unsettling space where I hurt too much to feel and hate too much to care.
This time I'm flying solo.
This time all responsibility rests squarely on my shoulders.
This time there is no one else around me.
This time I am angry.
This time my heart oozes with an aching pain.
This time I am bitter.
This time I fear that God is like a mere mortal man who will ultimately break my heart the moment I dare to trust Him.
This time, after all the other tragedies in my life, I lash out at my Savior.
This time I pound my fists on the floor, the walls, the tabletops.
This time I shake angry fists upward to the ceiling hoping that
This time God will take me seriously.
This time I jump on His back and
This time I dig the claws of my character into His back and
This time I shall not let go until I am assured that He hears me.
For this time I shall not fall for flowery, flowing phrases.
And this time I shall not be placated by passages promising peace.
This time I want an answer.
This time I want specifics.
This time I shall not fake my feelings.
This time I shall not pretend that I will be all right.
This time I shall not cover my emotions - only fooling myself; never my Creator.
This time I scream.
This time the scream is so loud and so long until
This timemy own screamhurts my own ears.
This time I cry.
No, this time I weep,sob,wail,mourn and howl.
For this time I simply cannot dry my own tears.
This time my very core has been chopped down.
This time the very fibers of the fabric of my being have been permanently frayed, frazzled and fragmented.
And this time ...
Yes, this time ...
He pauses from holding the whole world in His hands.
This time He stoops low to pick me up and hold me in His hands.
This time the Great shepherd carries me, His wounded lamb, to the still waters where I find comfort and consolation.
This time He rocks me in His arms, cradles me in His bosom, caresses me with the candlelight warmth of His Holy Ghost fire.
This time He washes away my soul's pain.
This time He is hereto remind me that He has always been here.
Yet this time He is closer than I ever remember Him being before.
