subject: Survive Infidelity - Do Not Compare Yourself To Her [print this page] Survive Infidelity - Do Not Compare Yourself To Her
Ido not know what your situation is. You might have known that your marriage was rocky, or you might have thought that all was well. Even if you were half expecting it, the knowledge that your spouse has had an affair can turn your world to ashes. You will be going through major emotional turmoil. Anger, sadness, fear, depression, confusion, loss of self-belief and self-confidence, words cannot describe what you are experiencing. Unfortunately, although it is a natural thing to do, you are constantly comparing yourself to her. It is easier said than done, but if you want to survive infidelity then do not compare yourself to her.
Do these thoughts sound familiar:
"She's probably prettier than me."
"I'll bet her body's firmer, more fit-I have really let myself slide."
"She's no doubt smart, accomplished, funny-no wonder he couldn't resist her."
"I'm not interesting enough to keep anyone's attention."
You are the victim in this, so it is so unfair that your mind constantly torments you with a barrage of negativity over what has happened.
In order to survive infidelity do not compare yourself to her. In this article, I am going to give you 4 techniques that should help you to regain control of your mind and boost your self-belief.
The betrayal by someone you trusted can do serious damage to your self-esteem.
Your mind is a powerful thing, and its never-ending barrage of negativity further exacerbates your inner turmoil and your fears for the future of your marriage.
It is perfectly normal for you to experience some self-doubt over your spouses affair. The longer that your mind drags you through the details of the affair, the more damage you can do yourself. Judging yourself harshly, day in, day out over what has happened, what you could have done, why did you not know, is not healthy.
One of the main pillars of a successful marriage is trust. Your spouse has just betrayed your trust and it will be a long time before you are able to trust them again. Regardless of why, or how it happened, it is a major blow to your self-esteem to know that they chose another woman over you. This makes you start to take an overly critical look at yourself, and to start questioning who you are. It is a difficult thing to do, but to survive infidelity do not compare yourself to her.
Until you found out about the affair you had a vision of your future all mapped out. Now you find yourself questioning all your old certainties. As you start to re-evaluate the truth of everything you can find yourself questioning your self-image.
This is an unbelievably challenging time that you are having to work through. Nothing can prepare you for this. Your world, your very existence might have been shattered, but you still have to keep moving forward. Every step forward is a step closer to regaining control of who you are.
Do not waste time in wishing that you could go back to how things were before you found out about the affair. Something was not quite right then otherwise you would not be in the position that you are now. Focus your energy on how you can move forward into a brighter future. Look at how you can both heal your marriage and build the marriage of your dreams.
To regain control of who you are, and to start the healing process for your marriage follow these 4 steps. These steps will take you on a journey through your mind and will set you on the path to healing yourself.
Step 1. Track Your Inner Dialogue
Your thoughts match your emotions. If you are feeling happy you have happy thoughts. If you feel like your world has ended then you have dark thoughts. You need to be able to track what you are saying to yourself, so no matter how bad it gets, make sure you track what you are saying. Your thoughts can be powerful things if they are locked up inside your head, they start to lose power if you talk to someone about them, or if you write them down so that you can examine them in the cold light of day.
Step 2. Knock the Other Woman Off her Perch
To survive infidelity do not compare yourself to her. You need to be able to challenge your negative thoughts. It is you, and only you who gives power to your thoughts. Look at it this way, if she was so amazing and special, would she have to be involved with a married man? She might have stolen your spouse for a while but that does not make her better than you. If you think about it she is a rather sad and pathetic creature. Unable or incapable of finding someone of her own she can only snatch fleeting glimpses of what a relationship must be like. You are better than she is because you found someone of your own, something that she could not do. Keep thinking on that.
Step 3. Re-create Your Picture of the Other Woman
Now that you have shown your mind that the image of her is nothing special you can have some fun with it. Your thoughts are your own, you are the only one who can give power to them. If you start to think that she is more beautiful than you, then imagine her with a face full of warts, filthy rotten teeth, and greasy, lank hair. Re-create her in your mind as someone crass and vulgar, with no idea of personal hygiene, and a host of embarrassing habits.
I think that it was in one of the wonderful Harry Potter films that we are introduced to the boggles. Creatures who would come at you using your worst fears. The way to deal with them was to impose a funny image on them, something that could make you laugh. The spell that they used was, "Ridiculous."
Step 4. Put Yourself Back On the Pedestal Where You belong
Now that you have knocked her from your pedestal it is time to get you back up there, where you belong. Now that you have realized that you do not have to keep beating yourself up, it is time that you started looking at how wonderful you are. Make a list of everything that makes you such a wonderful person, if you are still struggling then get a friend to help you. Once you have a list of what makes you so special, keep repeating it to yourself. Whenever an image of her pops up in your mind you can start to compare yourself to her. Read your qualities out loud, be proud of yourself.
Using self-affirmations like these are a great way to rebuild your self-esteem.
Do not worry if these techniques do not work the first time. The mind is a complex and contrary thing and can take some persuading. Keep practising. Every time that you win an encounter you will become stronger and become closer to regaining your self-belief in who you are. No matter how dark things are keep believing in yourself, it will make you stronger when you make it back to the light. You can survive infidelity, just do not compare yourself to her and you will be able to start moving forward again.
