subject: Is Your Spouse Still Cheating On You? [print this page] Is Your Spouse Still Cheating On You? Is Your Spouse Still Cheating On You?
Lisa's husband had an affair. She found out about it, he confessed and asked for forgiveness. He seemed to be saying and doing all the right things but given that he pulled the wool over her eyes before eyes before, she was not sure. Do thoughts like this trouble you, do they nag away at you, do you watch every move that he makes just looking for the slightest hint that your spouse is still cheating on you? Is your spouse still cheating on you?
Your spouse might have learned their lesson. They might be doing everything in their power to heal and rebuild your marriage, but... They have already lied to you. They have already pulled the wool over your eyes. If they lied well enough for you not to realise the first time, who is to say that they are not doing it again. Until you are able to trust your spouse again you will always be wondering, is your spouse still cheating on you.
You might want to forgive your spouse. You probably wish that you could go back to the way that things were, before the affair ruined it all. You might even be committed to rebuilding your marriage so that you make it better than it has ever been. But if you are uncertain about your spouse, how are you going to change things? How can you hope to move forward when you spouse might be having another affair, right now?
You do not want to be like this, you want to trust them again, but your mind keeps going over every image and memory leaving you uncertain of your own judgement. It is not a unique, situation that you are going through, many people who are trying to recover from an affair are caught up in this dilemma. A voice in your head keeps asking, is your spouse still cheating, and until you can deal with it, you will never be certain.
Much as you could wish that there was some way to tell if your spouse is cheating on you, I am sure that there is now way that you can be sure that they will not cheat again. However, there are ways that should make it less likely that your spouse will betray you again. There is no guarantee that they will be accurate, that is impossible, but they will give you an indication of how secure your marriage is.
1. Will they listen to you about your pain and talk about their affair.
If your spouse is serious about being true to you, then they will listen to your pain and how they have made you suffer, they will also be prepared to talk about the affair when ever you need to hear. This does not mean that they listen you when they want to, it means that they listen to you when ever you need to be heard. I think that they need to learn about the pain that they have caused you not only because it helps you to talk about it, they also need to know because it can help them to help you. This is especially important in the early stages of healing.
If your spouse is not an experienced communicator, their efforts to learn how to communicate with you are a good indicator of serious they are about healing your marriage. Please remember that If your partner will not listen to you, or maybe you are having problems communicating with them, it does not necessarily follow that they are having an affair. Some people are scared by emotions because they are scared or confused by them, and as such are unable to articulate them. So is your spouse still cheating, not necessarily.
If you are both struggling to communicate then that is a worrying sign. You have to be able to communicate with your spouse. Communication brought you together. Communication keeps your bond alive. Without communication you will drift apart. If you are struggling then it is vital that you get help, there are books or you can seek professional counselling.
2. There has to be a full, genuine apology.
If your spouse is serious about the hurt that they have brought to you and your marriage, then their apology will be sincere and genuine. If they do not apologize then I would question if they take what they have done seriously.
Just saying sorry a couple of times is almost as bad as not apologizing at all. A pathetic attempt like that does nothing to make the hurt and the problem go away.
After the damage that they chose to cause it will take a lot more than a simple sorry to achieve a full and complete apology.
A genuine apology has to do a variety of things:
It needs to recognise the pain that has been caused to the victim.
It needs to show that your spouse takes responsibility for their actions and admits that they were wrong.
They need you to be able to agree that they understand the depths of your pain and what you are going through.
A recognition that they need to identify the flawed parts of their character that allowed then to lie and cheat.
An unequivocal statement about their commitment to the marriage.
An unequivocal promise that you will remain faithful from this point on.
If your spouse is unwilling to give that kind of apology might not be ready for a committed relationship. It does not mean that they will carry on cheating, but you might want to be a bit wary of them..
3. The Cheater Becomes Open and Transparent
If your spouse is likely to cheat again then they will become defensive. There is no need for partners in a committed relationship to be defensive with each other. If they are genuine then they will be open and transparent with you. In fact, the more open and transparent they are with you, the more they are showing that they are changing.
It is the cheaters responsibility to become more open and transparent. If this does not happen, this could be a warning sign. If they are being defensive and secretive then there is a chance that something is going on.
Having broken faith with you once, you will naturally want to know where they are and who they are with. They might respond negatively to this because it will a bit like having to get your parents permission, every time you want to go out or do something.
In a fully intimate marriage a couple freely shares their life with each other. Telling your spouse what you did during the day, who you are going to meet, or calling to let them know that they will be late is not checking in. It is what couples who care for each other and respect each do. When you marry you are no longer a single person who only has to think about themselves, you have to think about how things affect your spouse. If you care about them, and they you, then you will have no problems in sharing your lives.
The fear that your spouse will cheat on you again is a legitimate one, you have been convincingly lied to before, who is to say that it will not happen again. There are cases where an unrepentant cheater will lull you into a false sense of security. They will tell you the acceptable part of what is happening so that you can believe that all is well. But if you love them, then there has to come a point where you trust them. Giving your trust to someone always carries an element of risk, but if you want your marriage to work the you have to take a chance.
Is your spouse still cheating? I do not know, but will you let the fear of that blight your chance for happiness? Trusting your spouse again makes you vulnerable, there is a chance that they will betray you, but there is also the chance that together you will make your marriage stronger than it ever was.
When your spouse has been transparent in what they do, it is in your best interests to believe them, it will help you to regain your trust in them, and it will help their rehabilitation to know that you are starting to have faith in them again. On the other hand, if you are in a restaurant with your spouse and they start flirting with the waitress you know that you have a problem.
You have to learn to make the distinction between the kinds of suspicion that will help your relationship, and those that will do it more damage. As the victim in all of this you have every right to be suspicious, but you need to focus on what is justifiable suspicious, try, and ignore the suspicion that comes from your mind going into overdrive.
If your spouse is being open and transpired then talk to them about the problems that you are having with suspicion, they should be able to understand your fears. To put your mind at ease you can set up a routine whereby you spouse can text a picture of, for example, a restaurant where they are having lunch and who they are with. Obviously if they do not want to tell you where they are going and who they are with then you probably have a problem.
4. Consider the Nature of the Offense
And finally, consider the nature of the offense. I guess that this is probably oe of your best indicators as to whether your spouse will have another affair.
If your spouse has cheated on you before then it is much more likely that they will do it again. Once can be a stupid mistake, doing it more times suggests that they are not that committed to your marriage. On the other hand if you spouse has only cheated once and they are truly remorseful over what has happened, then there is a far greater chance that they will have seen the error of their ways and will do their utmost to both repair their character, and heal the marriage.
Is your spouse still cheating? There is no way that you can tell. What I have done is to give you some signs to look out for. These signs cannot say whether or not your spouse is having an affair, but they will give you more of a guide to your spouses character. Should you end your marriage? Only you can say that. There are some marriages that should be finished, but there are also marriages have managed to work through the pain and together built a marriage that was better than ever. It is a risk, putting your trust in someone, making yourself vulnerable to hurt, but taking that risk is the only way that you can move your marriage forward.
