subject: Transformations: Turning the light switch on [print this page] Transformations: Turning the light switch on
Finding my way...
For years I have heard about the idea of finding your own inner guidance system, almost like finding a lightbulb inside and that by some sort of alchemical process of transformation you can turn it on, and wholla you suddenly know just what to do. Where to work, what you want to accomplish, yada yada. And I have searched and searched for the knowledge to unlock that secret. To know my purpose in this life.
I tried everything. I talked to friends, I listened to teachers, my parents told me what they thought (again and again and again), and I even did research, and went to meetings, talked to students, read online, and went to open houses for school programs.
But I still felt lost, nothing seemed just right. It was as though the answer the elixer of truth, was just at my finger tips but for some reason I could not see it. In quiet moments i could swear that I would hear a whisper a tinkle of knowing at my ear, but alas, I still was uncertain. Was I afraid to commit or had I simply not found my path? I wanted to find a direction where I felt called, you know where all the lights went on and I just started zooming, moving and grooving, and I just hadn't gotten that yet.
Many times along the way I felt doubt and was disheartedned, thinking maybe I will never know, I am destined to wander forever. Maybe I am being to idealistic, maybe I should just suck it up. But friends kept telling me, Lotus! You are so talented, you can do it" but I did not know what to do! I had a series of jobs and work experiences, with kids, as a nanny, at a doctors office, I had even gotten my diploma, a BA in psychology. But I felt stuck. I knew there must be a way to get to the truth, to unlock my potential and learn my path.
Then I got sick and had to have my wisdom teeth removed. I left my old job and moved to San Francisco with my a new boyfriend, and worked at the San Francisco Opera, doing fundraising, and trying to get accustomed to the new world all around me. Fast paced and focused, i watched crowded muni cars rush by packed with suited and heeled executives, coming and going. Every where I looked, were people rushing too and fro, knowing, or at least acting like they had direction.
At first I was jealous and disheartened, how was I ever going to make it in this big little city?What was my direction? Where the fog washes up in the afternoon and covers the buildings in a sleepy cocoon, I felt just as foggy and unclear as the city looked at 3 pm on weekdays. But I knew there must be a way.
Eventually I got a job working as a nanny for a little buddha baby, age almost 2 up on Potrero hill. The job was a dream come true and a rescue from the closeted drama of working at an opera house, where my coworkers were as filled with intrigue and drama as Madame Butterfly and just as foreign to me.
I had asked the Universe, not knowing I was doing so, to give me a job with a little girl, and lo and behold her mom emailed me and we met, and it was smooth sailing after that.
Working up on the hill, was like going up to my own private mountain. My prayer, my sanctuary, it gave me a sense of perspective, as her house overlooked the whole city through glorious bay windows. During the mornings and evenings I would play and nurture this little buddha, who was happy so much of the time and so enthralled with even the most minuscule, mundane details of life. The cracks in the cement, a tiny leaf on a small plant, or even the cast off wrapper of a candy bar.
It was not all easy. There were lots of adjusting and learning as we spent more and more time together and at first it was scary to drive a little baby around and walk with her outside, and when she would cry, at first, I always took it personally. But as time wore on, and we saw eachother more and more often, we began to become more accustomed to eachother.
I began to absorb her fascination with life, and with being extremely present in the moment. And in this presence grew appreciation, and awareness, which in turn created a greater sense of stillness inside of me. She forced my busy mind to still long enough to begin to see the world around me once more. To smell the flowers, inhale the sweet sky air, and to frolick in the field, running and exploring. Most importantly she began to teach me about getting back up, and laughing in the face of falling down.
Within this growing stillness I felt a blossoming, and a knowing emerging. It came from deep inside, in the stillness of a warm afternoon, the sun shining gently and spring flowers lazily wafting through the air. In the stillness a new voice began to speak, and it was my own. My presence, my higher consciousness, my inner guide was becoming louder, or rather i had become more quiet and more open and thus made room for the wisdom of my inner self to speak.
In a language more aptly described as a feeling or an intuition. And this new sense of intuition guided me to embrace many new activities, created new habits, and subsequently my life has been completely changed, rearranged and recreated. For the first time in my life, I began and do feel as though I am talented, I know where I want to go, what I want to be, and I am becoming the best possible most beautfiul version of myself.
I realize now that i had looked, and looked everywhere, but inside of myself. And with the aid of Anasare yoga, hypnotherapy, energy healing, the love of my partner, a new city, support of friends and family, solitude, and the love of a little girl, my insides have opened up like a hyacinth opening ints waxy petals to the dew of the morning, and have allowed me a peek into my purpose.
Eastern religions speak of this process of self realization to no end and they utilize many tools such as yoga, meditation, prayer and chanting to access this powerful inner light, and to turn it on.
And now, after a lifetime ( I am almost 25) of searching for my own direction... I think I have found the answer, or at least my own answer for how to turn my base metal of uncertainty into the rich river of flowing gold, knowledge and awareness. By turning inside, away from the hubub and commution of the world, and the questions and opinions of others, the inner light of self knowing has emerged, and by embracing meditation, yoga, prayer, affirmations, chanting and positive self-love I have begin to gain access to this powerful inner light, and sometimes, I even get to turn it on, full on!
