subject: Is It Safe To Trust Again? [print this page] Is It Safe To Trust Again? Is It Safe To Trust Again?
By Susie and Otto Collins
Over and over again Jack's girlfriend, Cindy, proves to him that she isn't going to lie, cheat or leave him. Over and over again, she patiently answers his questions and assures him how much she loves him and how committed to him she is.
And, over and over again Jack suspects that Cindy is going to cheat...just like his ex-wife did.
Jack just can't seem to get over how devastated he was when his ex-wife had an affair. Her affair had been going on for more than 5 years before he found out the truth. After their divorce, it was a long, long time before Jack would even consider thinking about dating or women.
He felt too damaged and broken from being betrayed like that. He never wants to experience that kind of emotional pain again. But, when he met Cindy he couldn't help but fall in love with her. They seem to fit together so well, they have a great time together and they share so much with one another.
They've dated seriously for almost a year and Jack doesn't regret getting into another relationship.
The big problem is that he can't seem to fully trust Cindy. His mistrust causes him to say and do things that push her away-- and that's not what he wants. He is tired of making her cry after being wrongly accused. He just can't seem to stop believing that, like his ex-wife, one day she'll betray him too.
If you were hurt by a past partner who cheated, you might feel the same way. Even though you've moved on and you're no longer in the relationship with the person who betrayed your trust, you can't seem to let go of the expectation that your new partner will also cheat. In some ways, you haven't truly moved on.
These expectations and your lingering mistrust could contribute to you feeling jealous, to arguments and tension between you and your mate and to a lot of inner turmoil too.
You might be asking yourself this question... "Is it safe to trust again?"
Keep offering most of your attention to what you know.
If you're struggling and mistrusting because of a past partner's infidelity, you're going to need to be deliberate about what you're focusing your attention on.
In situations like this, it's too easy to react to your present partner from the memory of what happened in the past-- with a completely different person. While this may not make logical sense, it happens to a lot of people a lot of the time.
And, it causes huge relationship problems.
Notice it when your mind drifts back to some conversation or experience you had with your ex who cheated. There could be something about your current situation that is similar to what occurred before and this could be triggering your mistrust.
When you hear yourself saying or doing something that's motivated by a memory, pause. Recognize where your attention is-- on the past-- and then gently and lovingly bring yourself back to the present moment.
This is SO important and SO potentially relationship-changing.
The deceptively simple act of being present with your partner more of the time can help you get very clear about what's going on right now. You can more easily figure out what's true about this person who is your partner right here, right now and also see what is less clear and what is untrue.
Stay awake and look for ALL signs.
As you probably learned in your past relationship, it's vital for you to stay awake and be aware of what's happening in your relationship.
It could be that you missed the signs (that, in hindsight, now seem obvious) that indicated your ex was having an affair. Part of your mistrust may come from a hyper-vigilance that you won't let that happen again!
You might find yourself scrutinizing everything your current partner says and does as you look for signs of lying and cheating. Showing your mistrust by scrutinizing or interrogating, especially if your partner is not doing anything to break trust, can lead to resentment, anger, tension and distance.
We encourage you to look for signs...just make sure you're looking for ALL signs.
Don't merely be vigilant for indications that your partner is having an affair. Of course, if what he or she says and does are inconsistent or contradictory, then get more information-- follow up.
But, be sure you are also recognizing the signs that you are creating a healthy, close and loving relationship together. They may be there and you're just not seeing them.
Notice it when your mate keeps his or her word. Acknowledge that way that you feel when you are together. Be aware of the honest and open conversations that you two have.
This noticing can help you be more present and build trust.
