subject: My Wife is Nagging Me [print this page] My Wife is Nagging Me My Wife is Nagging Me
Dear Lauren -
My wife nags and nags and nags at me. She pushes and pokes. She seems to know all my buttons. I take it and take it and take it until finally I can't take it anymore, and I explode and/or storm out of the house. Then she cries, and I get some peace, but then she is right back at me. I love her, but she is driving me crazy! It feels like I can't do anything right with her.
Going Crazy
Dear Going Crazy -
It sounds like you and your wife are in a rut that is both predictable and destructive. Perhaps what is most important to understand is that the real issue is likely not the trash or whatever the content of the nag is, but something deeper and more significant to your relationship. Your wife, in her nagging, is crying out that something is feeling very wrong just as you, in your storming away, are saying that something is very wrong. Chances are, for you, the real thing that is wrong is the underlying feeling that you can't do anything to right by her or that you can't please her.
In order to break a cycle, it is necessary to examine it more closely and try to understand the underlying message or concern. This may be a little hard to do, and you might need the help of a therapist to understand it more fully.
For example, she may be saying, "Bring the trash out.... Did you brink the trash out? ... Why didn't you bring the trash out? ... It's about time you brought the trash out.... You never do anything unless I tell you 100 times to get it done." The real need may be something even more fundamental, like feeling heard, being noticed, or feeling important to you.
I do want to validate the emotional exhaustion that comes from absorbing criticism and verbal assaults. It can be draining and put you on the defensive. It sounds like you take it, in large part, by being 'strong and silent' until you just can't take it anymore. Again, I want to suggest that you have some needs that are unspoken as well. Many people in your position feel unappreciated. Instead of being appreciated for what they did do, they feel criticized for what they didn't do or 'did wrong.'
A good therapist can help you both articulate and fulfill your underlying needs, such as being heard and feeling appreciated, as well as develop a healthy pattern of communication to address other issues as they come up.
