subject: Dare To Say No [print this page] Dare To Say No Dare To Say No
It is impressive to see how difficult it is to say such a little thing as "no". Many people just can't say no, and they might end up blaming others for that. Of all people, women have even more difficulties than men, since they never, ever learnt how to say no. And if they do, they are very often in trouble.
Let's say that Kate just bought a nice book. She is tired because she had a lot of things to attend to, lately. She has been looking forward to this for some days now: She has free time on the calendar, a good book and a cup of tea. Her children are at school. Everything is in order. She lies down and opens her book when the doorbell rings.
It is her good friend, Sue. She is in front of the door with her two children, Johnny and Bonnie, and she says:
- Hi, Sue! It is so nice you are at home. I have a terribly important appointment. Can you please take care of Johnny and Bonnie for me for the next couple of hours?
Now... What will Kate (and 99 % of the women reading this) do? She will probably regret very much she ever answered the doorbell, and she will say "yes", of course.
Before Sue can answer "no" to such a thing, she has to be on her way out of the door, or someone around her has to be close to death or something else is making it impossible for her to say "yes". I remember a woman I knew from my communication courses. She always had a coat behind the door. So when the doorbell rang, she would go to the door, take the coat on and open. If it was someone she didn't want to see, she answered something like "sorry, but I was, in fact, on my way out". If it was someone she wanted to see, she answered "Oh, you're lucky, I just got home!".
People who can't say "no" may have to use very complicated methods to avoid it. It is much easier to learn how to say "no" in a non-aggressive and assertive way.
First of all, you have to understand and to accept that you can say "no" just because you don't feel like doing something. It doesn't need to be important or complicated or take too much of your time. In this case, Sue had another plan and just the fact that she wants (and most probably needs) her rest is an excuse as good as any other to say "no". She really doesn't need a written official excuse from her physician or from her husband to feel like doing something else than reading her book and relaxing.
Now, the easiest way to say "no" is:
"No, sorry, I can't do that right now".
And that's it.
Saying less may be understood aggressively: "No".
Saying more is the beginning of giving explanations or finding excuses and this is not necessary. You don't need to give an explanation of why you can't. You don't need an excuse. Remember to say that you CAN'T do that right now. Not that you don't want to, not that you don't have time. Nothing else than: "No, sorry, I can't do that right now."
Any friend will understand that if you can't do something, it is because you cannot, and you would be surprised to know how many respect that. Especially if you help when you can (or want), then they know you. They know that if you can, you will say "yes", and if you can't, you can say "no". That is more than enough.
