subject: Marriage Communication - How Does It Work? [print this page] Marriage Communication - How Does It Work?
In a marriage, communication keeps ideas and emotions flowing between spouses. Unfortunately, every marriage goes through difficulties keeping their communication smooth and clear. Many couples develop bad habits and create destructive patterns between them.
How Does Communicate Really Work?
Have you ever heard someone in a troubled relationship say, "We just don't communicate anymore." Of course, people say that when they aren't speaking to each other or seem to fight a lot. However, the truth is that you are communicating all the time. Even two people who are giving each other the silent treatment are communicating with each other.
Communication is shared in many different ways. We'll focus on five common pathways of communication.
* The context of the situation
* Spoken or written word
* Touch
* Emotion
So many of us just focus on words, missing the importance of the other parts. In the next section, you'll read through an example of a situation that could produce conflict in a marriage. Look for all four ways information is being communicated in the story below.
Marriage Communication Example - Look For All The Information
You suddenly don't feel well in the middle of the afternoon. You notice you have a runny nose and you feel really tired. You lay down on the couch, thinking you might just need a quick nap to help you feel better. Your spouse is initially upset to find the house messy when they come home from work. But once they see you lying on the couch huddled and sleeping in a blanket with a box of tissues next to you, their entire demeanor and understanding of the situation instantly changes.
You were giving out the same "I'm sick" signals all afternoon while no one was home. Once your spouse comes in the door, they are there to pick up your communication signals and process the messages. They were forming a long list of complaints as they walked in the door, but when they see you on the couch they left you alone.
But even in this situation, more elements of communication can come into play. What if the you and your spouse were selling your home and you were expecting visitors shortly after your spouse got home? Would leaving you to sleep really be the best decision? The bigger context of the day would probably cause your spouse to go against their initial feelings of compassion and wake you up anyway.
Without waking you up, they may not know how sick you really are. You'd have to give them more verbal information to clarify your situation. If it seemed you were too sick to clean up in time, you and your spouse might decide to postpone the house-showing appointment. If you felt a lot better and you worked together quickly, the appointment might be saved. In this case, waking you would be the most compassionate because something bigger was at stake.
Different Types Of Communication Happening All At Once
So what kinds of communication happened in the above situation? The first messages your spouse would have received were from the context of the situation. Your normal behavior would be to have a clean house, and since this didn't happen your spouse could conclude something was wrong. Instead of being awake like they would expect, you were asleep. You also had a box of tissues nearby. These are signals that told your spouse a lot before you were even conscious.
Once your spouse woke you, they would have gathered non-verbal information. The tired miserable expression on your face and your slumped posture would say a lot. Don't underestimate the power of non-verbal communication. Many people don't realize how much information gets shared in this way alone. The way your spouse touched you when they woke you up would also tell you something about their mood. Once awake, you would have provided detailed spoken information about how you felt and how things went downhill during the afternoon, leading you to take an unexpectedly long nap on the couch. Your facial expressions and tone of voice would have conveyed the emotional part of your message.
With all of these clues, and your spouse's ability to trust how close your words match your behaviors, your spouse can come to their own conclusions. If everything seems to match up, your spouse may have some frustration about changing the appointment, but they will also have a clear sense of empathy for your sudden illness.
Marriage Communication Problems - This Changes The Whole Picture
If you and your spouse had poor communication skills (delivering information, developing trust, and interpretation of information), this situation might have a very different outcome. Frustration, mistrust, tension, and defensiveness can make this a source of great conflict. Your spouse might be very upset that you didn't call, or might think you could be faking or exaggerating your illness.
You might believe your spouse is just looking for ways to put you down, even when you clearly don't feel well and didn't expect to sleep so long. Poor communication skills can perpetuates destructive patterns. You'll find it difficult to work through emotions and solve problems.
You see? It's not that you and your spouse aren't communicating. You are both communicating a lot, but you have a lot of problems with the information and responses. This is what can make marriage communication so complicated.
Marriage Communication Is Complex - Learn More
It's about so much more than the words people say. In fact, verbal communication is actually a rather small part of an exchange. Just changing your words may not be enough to help your relationship.
