subject: Translating Mars And Venus: 4 Clues For How Men And Women Use Words Differently [print this page] Dr. Karen Gail LewisDr. Karen Gail Lewis
It is true. Men and women sometimes really do speak different languages. One language is not better than the other. Problems occur, though, when couples assume their own way is the "right" way and get annoyed when their partner doesn"t "get it." The miscommunication can be painful, if not fatal, to their relationship.
Therefore, here are some of the specific differences in how men and women use language to communicate.
Purpose of Conversation:
For men, the purpose of conversation is to report information or answer a question. They may not engage in a back-and-forth exchange. When men do talk at length, they are not chatting; they may be are trying to be helpful or demonstrate their knowledge.
For women, the purpose of conversation is to connect, to make personal contact. This is often more important than the content of their conversations.
So, when a woman asks, "What do you want to eat?" she expects the man will ask her in return. That would show he wants to connect with her, that he cares about her opinion.
For men it"s very different. Since conversation is to exchange information, when asked a question, they answer, period. They are less likely to return the question, assuming if a woman has something to say, she"ll say it.
Listening Style
Men"s ability to listen closely may be heightened by not looking at the person to whom they are speaking. Looking at the other person may distract them from hearing what is being said. Men listen quietly, without giving verbal or nonverbal indications they have heard the other.
Women not only need to see the person to whom they are talking, they give verbal and non-verbal indications they are listening. Without receiving those indications from a man, they do not feel they are being heard.
Silence
For men, silence has many meanings. It can be an indication of closeness, for instance when fishing quietly with a male friend, or sitting side by side on a porch with a friend, wordlessly watching the stars. Many men say these are some of their most intimate times.
Men are also silent when their partner is talking about a problem in their relationship. They are waiting for her to finish and ask a question; then they can respond to her question, which is exchanging information.
Men"s silence may also be related to shame. When flooded with anger during an emotional conversation, men may physically flee or emotionally shut out the woman. Wrapping themselves in silence quiets the internal flooding of rage or shame and helps them regain composure.
While women like their quiet time, when with another person, they need to connect "" verbally. Therefore, women may feel shut out when a man is silent, or they may personalize his silence, assuming he is upset with her.
Advice
Men express their affection by being helpful, by offering advice and suggestions about how to do things or resolve problems.
Women, though, hear this as the man is telling her what to do, as if she can't figure it out on her own. Thus, his caring comes across as condescension.
While men know women don"t like unsolicited advice, they continue to offer it, because to not would mean they are being unloving and unkind. To avoid that, men could still show caring by asking, "Would you like a suggestion?" rather than just offering it unsolicited.
Being unaware of these gender differences, can cause anger and disappointment in couples without their realizing why.
