subject: Now You Can Have A More Relaxed December 26 [print this page] Dr. Karen Gail LewisDr. Karen Gail Lewis
Every December 26, I say the same thing, Next year Im going to do this differently. Its too much work. Im exhausted. But, then I go ahead and overwork myself all over again.
Sound familiar? This may be truer for women than for men. Often, caring husbands tell their wives, Youre doing too much; slow down. Everything doesnt have to be perfect.
But instead of being reassured, wives get annoyed that husbands dont get it. And, husbands get annoyed at having their suggestions discounted and having to hear how exhausted their wives are.
This year, both men and women can do something different.
WOMEN
Step 1 Ask yourself: Why are you doing so much? Is it because you want to do it all? Do you feel gratified by your efforts? If you enjoy getting the perfect gift for each person, the doing and the giving, seeing the packages perfectly wrapped, setting an elegant table if its because you enjoy all this more than you dislike the fatigue, than keep doing it.
On the other hand, do you hear an internal voice saying you have to do this? Your mother will disapprove? Youll be a failure as a wife or woman? Or, do you have to do this because your mother never did anything for the holidays, and you want it to be different for your children? Or your sister is always so perfect and you want her to know you can be perfect too? Do you do so much because you want people to like you? Will your mother-in-law tsk tsk if things are not just so?
Once you are clear about your motivations, then you can move to step two.
Step 2 Ask yourself: Must your gift list be so long? Are names on your list because you should buy for them or because you want them to like you? How many people do you buy for only because they give you gifts? Or because they are business contacts that you need to impress?
Do you have to buy gifts that require your shopping in stores? How about subscriptions to a concert series, or a years supply of flowers or fruit, or donations to a charity in someones name?
Do you have to spend so much money on each gift? Do you worry someone will call you cheap? Who? If you like the gift you give, regardless the cost, do you care?
Only you can decide who to buy for, how much money to spend, and how much energy to invest in getting the gift. You may be doing exactly what you want. But, are you being unkind to yourself?
Step 3 Ask Yourself: Must you do all the work yourself? Is there any reason your husband cant buy gifts for his own family or his business associates? If you buy a gift in both of your names, cant he do that, too? Does it matter if you dont like what he would choose? To answer that, balance your exhaustion with your need for the perfect gift.
Can you let your children buy their own gifts for family, friends, and teachers? Can you let them be responsible, even if you dont like their choices?
Do you see a pattern here? You can use the same principle in thinking about sending the cards, cleaning the house, decorating the house, doing the baking, setting the table, and the thousands of other things you do by yourself.
Why do you do this to yourself? To impress others or that inner voice? If so, you need to give yourself a good talking to. On the other hand, if you are doing it all yourself because no one else will, what does that mean? Have you trained your family to let you overburden yourself?
To be clear about all of this, get out the scale. On one side is having things done the way you want. On the other is not being exhausted (and maybe not appreciated).
A final question: How much do you need to be in control around the holidays? And why?
MEN
Ask yourself: Do you pull your own weight or do you help out? They are not the same thing. If you do what she tells me needs doing, you are her assistant, not her equal partner. She sets the agenda and you carry out the instructions. Thats easier, you say. Im too busy. I havent the time. Its not as important to me as it is to her how the table looks, who gets what gifts.
Is this a cop-out? If nothing happened for the holidays, would you care? Or, do you take her holiday efforts for granted, knowing she will make the effort? Do you let her do more because you dont want to? Because, she is willing to do it? One way to know for sure is how much of your own responsibilities does she assume? Do you buy and send cards and presents to those on your list? Do you ask your children what they need for their friends and teachers? Do you buy for your own family?
Perhaps, you say, I let her do so much because she criticizes the way I do things. She doesnt like my getting involved. That may be true for holiday celebrating but certainly not for your own card list!
If you want to equitably share the holiday suggest the two of you work together to decide everything that needs to be done (your ideas will be heard, not just hers) and then sort out who does what. She may balk at your putting your nose in after all these years. Dont get defensive; just say youve woken up.
Do you know the price you pay as a holiday participant and as a husband for not carrying your own weight? Not only does your wife complain about being exhausted and she is resentful, you may feel like a guest in your own home, a visitor to your holiday.
Women and men: be clear about your choices, so that this year on December 26, you both will have no complaints.
If you have reactions, Id love to hear from you. If you would like to see more articles or want more information about my work, check out my web or contact me directly.
