subject: 6 Words Or Phrases That Can Cause Disastrous Problems Between Men And Women [print this page] Everyone knows about John Greys books about men being from Mars and women from Venus is to point out those men and women are different. But, just reading those books does not help when you are in the midst of a conversation with a man, and it is going badly. He doesnt tell you what you can do differently in your conversations that would bring you a different result. You are still left not understanding how your best intentions to make the man see your point have failed. You are still left not understanding why he doesnt respond when you are talking, or why he walks out of the room in the middle of the conversation. Or, why he yells at you, as if he hasnt heard a word you said.
To give you some immediate help, I created a dictionary of gender relationships, showing how the same words or phrase may have different meaning to men than to women. Here, I describe six of them. By understanding these, you can avoid bumping into distressing communication problems.
Purpose of conversation
The very purpose of conversation is different for men than for women. The purpose for men is to exchange information and to answer a question. When men talk at length, it may be their way of being helpful or demonstrating their knowledge.
For women, the purpose of conversation is to make a connection, to feel connected and engaged with the other.
When a woman asks how she looks or where he wants to go eat, its not to get a direct answer, its to make the connection, to know he likes her, so he will answer and then ask her the same question back. She wants a discussion (even if they agree), because in a discussion they are connected. But within a mans framework, hes been asked a question and he answers it. It is not a discussion, so he does not see a need to ask her back.
Verbal tennis
Womens communicating style can be called verbal tennis. A woman says something and expects the other person will hit the topic back across the metaphoric net -- responding on the same topic, or asking questions about the same topic, or tell a story related to the topic, and then coming back to the speaker. At some point, the topic changes and both people now hit this new topic back and forth.
Verbal tennis is not a basic male style of communicating. For men, since the purpose of communication is to exchange information, unless a woman is talking about something that requires a response from him, he may quietly listen or just change the subject after she has made her statement. This can infuriate women, leaving them feeling the man isnt listening, doesnt care what she is saying, or he only wants to talk about himself.
Direct/indirect
Men frequently describe themselves as what you see is what you get. And, for the most part, this is true. If a man wants something or has something to say, hell do it directly; he is not likely to beat around the bush.
Women, on the other hand, tend to be indirect. A woman might say, Im hot, or Are you hot, which actually means, I want to turn on the air conditioner; are you okay with that? Unfortunately, since it is so indirect, and since men answer questions, not explore what lies beneath the question, the man may well respond about the air conditioner with a No. End of discussion. Hes totally missed what she was trying to express. Indirectness drives men whacky!
Blame
Research shows that when there are problems in a relationship, women tend to blame themselves. They look within to see what they could or should have done differently. This often leads to beating themselves up with self-blame.
Men tend to look outside themselves for blame, rather than seeing their own part. This can include even blaming the glass for being in the way when they knocked it over.
The irony is that, in effect, they agree they both blame the woman.
While a woman cant change a man, she can QTIP quit taking it personally. After realistically assessing her part in a problem, she can tell herself, QTIP.
Gift giving
Typically, men prefer a woman give them a list of what she wants. That way they wont have to roam around stores, and they know she will like what they select. In return, they want to give the woman their list so they can be sure to get what they want.
Typically, women prefer a man to put some thought into the gift and to know them well enough to buy something they want. Giving a list is meaningless since they can go buy whatever they want for themselves.
Typically, they do not want to buy off a mans list of what he wants because there would be nothing personal in that, nothing to demonstrate how much thought they put into knowing him well enough to buy just the right gift for him. Selecting the right gift is a statement of their caring about him.
Advice
Men show their caring and affection through being helpful, giving advice or suggestions when a woman presents a problem.
Unfortunately, women do not experience this as a form of caring. For them, a mans unsolicited advice may feel belittling, as if they cant figure out how to handle the situation themselves. Or, it may feel the man is telling them what to do, or treating them like a child.
In fact, giving advice can be treated as a gift. Give in the style of the Receiver.
