subject: There Doesnt Always Need To Be A Winner [print this page] When disagreements or conflicts arise within a relationship, both parties can feel as though they are being treated unfairly by the other. In most situations, one partner will believe they did the right thing and the other believes it was wrong or incorrect. Regardless of what the disagreement is about, feelings can get hurt and the situation can quickly escalate out of hand. When it comes to disagreements and conflicts, many people believe that the only way they can be resolved is by declaring one person the winner and the other apologizing (or perhaps both parties apologizing). But when it comes to disagreements in a relationship, there doesnt always need to be a winner.
This may sound counterintuitive, but in a relationship its not necessarily about whos right and whos wrong. In fact, there may not be a right or a wrong within a certain situation and by forcing those labels onto each other, you pave the way for future disagreements. If you make your partner feel as though they were wrong in the situation and feel that you won the fight, then they will likely apologize and move forward. However, the next time you have an argument youll feel compelled to force the situation into right and wrong and the results of the previous fight will likely be brought up as an example.
Rather than place blame or declare a winner, there are other ways to handle conflict within a relationship that are more constructive and create less tension but still get the conflict resolved.
Instead of jumping to your own defense immediately, try to recognize and respond to the things that really matter to your partner. Whether its an argument about the laundry or something more significant, listen to why they are upset and try to figure out if what they are upset about is the real problem or if something more important is bothering them. Also, stay calm. Try to resist getting louder, blaming, or name-calling all of these things escalate the conflict very quickly.
Once youve discussed the issue and are aware of why your partner disagrees with you on something, find a way to compromise or move forward without making one another feel poorly about the situation. Agreeing to disagree can potentially be too passive and you should always make sure you are true to yourself and your beliefs, but save your need to win for something that truly matters to you not on where you should go to eat dinner.
If you and your partner find yourself disagreeing a lot then there may be more wrong than just your conflict management skills. Begin looking at the relationship as a whole and determining if theres a pattern to your disagreements. If you find that they happen about the same topics or around the same time, then perhaps you can work to fix the underlying issue to prevent future conflict. However, if it seems as though you are conflicting over everything or things that are important to you personally, then you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
