subject: Shame And Sex Addiction [print this page] Sex Addiction almost always serves a core shame. The experience of this core shame is so painful that it is almost unbearable. Shame for an addict has 2 dominant facets and with time, the 2 facets can become intertwined to the extent that it may be hard to tell them apart.
The 2 facets of Shame: One facet of shame is the addictive behavior itself. Behaviors such as compulsive masturbation, viewing pornography for hours, visiting massage parlors, etc., are out of control and result in embarrassing moments in social, personal and employment situations. In addition, sex addiction has an immense amount of stigma attached to it. It is hard to admit to, acknowledge and reach out for help.
The other facet of the Shame is that it is really one of the causal factors of addiction. Most often, the origins of this shame can be traced back to patterns in the family of origin. In these families, sex was often a subject that was not only taboo, but also elicited shameful feelings. A history of sexual abuse or sexual trauma is often seen in Sex Addicts. We know that sexual abuse and or trauma result in feelings of shame and confusion. These feelings never get talked about or resolved. In this way, trauma and sex become triggers for each other.
Will was 13 years old when he came home from school to hear noises in his parents bedroom. He discovered that his father had left work early to bring a co-worker home. The two were having sex in his parents bedroom. Will experienced overwhelming feelings of shame at how his father was behaving. He was afraid that his friends in the neighborhood would find out. At the same time, he felt a strange sense of excitement and sexual arousal. Soon, Wills sexual fantasies become centered on his fathers women friends. It felt confusing and yet oddly titillating. Will began to believe from an early age that sex could not remain exciting unless you changed partners frequently. In his adult life, Will constantly cheats on his wife deriving a sense of thrill from it while carrying the burden of betrayal that his mother and wife experience giving rise to an intense experience of shame.
Compulsive Masturbation: In some cases, it is not sex that invokes the intense feelings of shame but rather other bodily functions. However, in these families too sex is regarded as shameful, taboo and very often dirty.
Diana, a 33 year old woman whose problem is compulsive masturbation recalls an incident when she was 7 years old. Diana was in her second grade class when she was sent home with a note that she had wet herself in class that day. It is not really clear why this made Dianas mom so angry, but Diana remembers encountering a mother who was generally calm and kind, become furious and fly into a rage. As I sit across the room, I watch this 33 year old woman sob helplessly like a 7 year old recounting feelings of intense confusion and shame. It had taken Diana 2 years before she could share this shameful incident to me. Diana reports that soon after whenever she felt uncertain and anxious, she resorted to masturbation in an effort to cope. To this day, Diana carries the shame of wetting her pants in school.
The way out of these intense shameful feelings, is to recount these shameful incidents in the presence of a person (often a therapist) in a non-shameful environment. It has been my experience that when a person shares these experiences in the presence of compassion and understanding, the shame is released. The addict finally sees the shameful incident for what it is. It is usually quite benign or it is not even his or her shame.
A word of caution: it is important to share these personal and private moments in only the most safe and confidential settings.
Porn Addiction help: Modes of Treatment
Cognitive-Behavioral therapy is a very effective technique. This modality of therapy examines your thoughts and puts it to a reality test. In this way, it gradually changes your thought patterns from negative to positive and unrealistic to realistic. Another less known, but perhaps the most powerful technique of taking control over anxiety is what is commonly know as Mindfulness. This is an alternative or holistic approach to treatment . In the most simplistic terms, Mindfulness teaches us to Stay instead of running away from difficult emotions like Anxiety.
To learn more about Addiction and dynamic new ways to treatment, check out: http://www.InnerBalanceandPeace.com
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