subject: He Says His Feelings For Me Have Changed. What Should I Do? [print this page] I recently heard from a wife who still didn't know what her husband meant during a recent conversation. Basically, her husband had sat her down and told her that his feelings for her had "changed." Of course, the wife's immediate reaction was to ask him to define what, exactly, he meant by this. She wanted to know things like: did this mean he didn't love her anymore? Did this mean he was no longer in love with her? Did this mean he didn't want to be married or that he wanted a divorce?
Unfortunately, the husband did not directly answer these questions and seemed somewhat annoyed that the wife was asking him. He pretty much gave her very vague answers and kept insisting he just wanted for her to be "aware" that his feelings were changing and that this concerned him.
The wife wasn't sure how she was supposed to take this or what she was supposed to do with this tidbit of information. And frankly, she was a bit angry that the husband could just drop this sort of bomb and then clam up and not give her more information. In the following article, I'll discuss my take on this and tell you what husbands sometimes mean when they tell you that their feelings for you have "changed."
Try To See This As A Call To Action Rather Than An Insult: I understand that wives in this situation might be placing most of their focus on the insensitivity of their husbands saying such things. Many wives are angry that he would even bring this up if he's not going to define it or tell her what she can do to change it. This is absolutely understandable. To be sure, it's a very frustrating situation and you have a right to have a strong reaction.
However, sometimes it helps if you can step back and realize that this can be an advantage. In a way, your husband is giving you a call to action that many women wish they had gotten. I get a lot of emails from wives whose husband never gave them this sort of warning and who walked out the door, filed for divorce papers, or asked for a separation, and only afterward told the wife about their changing feelings.
So as much as this might hurt and as frustrating as this might be, give yourself the benefit of trying to focus on any positive that you can find right now. And one such positive might be that if you want to change things, you likely still have the time and ability to do that.
Sometimes When Men Say Their Feelings For You Have Changed, They Don't Realize That Their Feelings About Their Life (Or Their Place In The World) Have Also Changed: It's very common for people (and not just husbands or men) to project issues that revolve around other areas of their life onto their marriage. In other words, perhaps their career isn't going well, or they suddenly feel old or vulnerable. Maybe they suddenly don't like what they are seeing in the mirror or they resent the lack of respect that their kids showed them one tiny moment in time. No matter why they are feeling off, they often don't know what to do with these negative feelings that are rushing to the surface.
So, in an attempt to characterize them, they may just project them onto the person who is closest to them or who is in closest proximity. Unfortunately, that person often turns out to be you. I know that this is unfair. I'm not defending it. I'm just trying to draw your attention to this so that you resist the urge to internalize his words or to blame yourself for them.
Because sometimes, what he's saying isn't 100% accurate even if he's not totally aware of this. Sometimes, the things that are falling apart in his life have little to do with you, but he may resent that you aren't noticing it or aren't making it better. So, his words (which he knows are going to derail you) are meant to get your attention and are, in a way, a call for your help.
What He Means (And What To Do) When He Says His Feelings For You Have Changed: Now that we've gotten the background out of the way, let's talk about the options that you might have in this situation. Some wives will take the words literally, think that the marriage is over, fear that their husbands don't love them anymore, or turn their anger and fear inward. These are common responses, but ones which I'm hoping you will avoid.
Another option is that you can settle down, decide to take an honest look at yourself, your husband, and your marriage and see if there are any improvements that you can make. It's so easy to become complacent and not to see what is really happening. We all sort of get into the habit of going through the motions while reassuring ourselves that everything is OK when it truly isn't. I was guilty of this also and it almost cost me my marriage.
In looking at my own husband's perspective in this situation and in talking with the men who seek me out about this, I can tell you that when men tell you that their feelings have changed, they are often trying very hard to get your attention. They are often asking for more of your time, attention, and appreciation.
They want you to notice their struggles, empathize with them and lighten their load. The thing is, they often don't realize what they want. They often don't know that they're really projecting their feelings. All they know is that things feel differently between you and they don't know how else to draw your attention to this. And, believe it or not, this is often where your opportunity for improvement lies. I absolutely understand where you are right now. A couple of years ago, my husband flat out told me his feelings for me had changed. But, after a lot of anger and misunderstandings, it eventually dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
He Says His Feelings For Me Have Changed. What Should I Do?
