subject: Be The Best At Not Being The Best Part 1 [print this page] Why is it that even when we know precisely what to do to make a positive change in our lives, we choose not to do it? This is a question that has intrigued me for years in my own personal development as well as my coaching and training work with clients.
Look around you and you'll see boatloads of articles on eating right, looking your best (and youngest), being the best lover, mother, wife, friend, and so on, but what keeps us mired in second-, third- (or worse) best? What keeps us from being and feeling our best? Plus if we really think we HAVE TO do all that those self-help articles counsel, what's to keep us from throwing ourselves off the nearest skyscraper?
I recommend that we take a more unique approach. What if we focus on being better at NOT being the best? What will we learn about ourselves when we examine why we are NOT destined for perfection?
To assist us in celebrating our imperfections, I thought I'd write a humorous reverse self-help article for all my sisters and fellow triple A personality strivers out there. So off we go...
HOW TO BE THE BEST AT NOT BEING THE BEST
Follow these simple steps and you'll be well on your way to being human, or worse:
1) Burn all your self-help, spiritual, and inspirational books. Resolve only to read recipes for liver anything and natural colonics, the obituaries in your newspaper, and bios of only the most horrific serial killers. Make sure those serial killers you read about have killed at least twenty innocent people or they don't count as truly disturbing.
2) Refer to and quote from the stomach-wrenching stuff you're reading at inopportune moments--in birthday cards, your email signature, and of course, your cell phone voicemail message. ("Hi, this is Dr. Barnsley. I'm away from the phone, slicing up my mother-in-law and putting her in Ziploc freezer baggies like Jeffery used to do. Just leave your message and I'll call you back if I don't have something better to do."
3) Keep your cell phone (and ringer with the theme from "Halloween") on at all times. Make sure that you are texting at least every sixty seconds. If your fingertips don't rival Brillo pads and you're not feeling close to insane, you are not doing this step enough. Commit to texting, tweeting, or updating your Facebook status more, especially about the dumbest thingsi.e. what your dog just did on the Oriental rug, how many sleeping pills you took last night, and what kind of dressing you had on your salad--It had better be creamy full-fat Bleu Cheese since that is by far the most artery-clogging choice you could make.)
4) Take your cell phone with its five thousand apps to bed with you, rather than your lover. Keep it under your pillow and make sure you update your social networking accounts at least five times an hour during your night of sleep. Oh, and regarding your sleep, by all means do not get the perfect eight hours a night. Strive to sleep only one to two hours per night. Let's face it, you need to update in the wee hours, ensuring your Cortisol levels are as high as possible so you can be stressed out to the max.
Stay tuned for the next half of my best--or worst--article ever! But for now, take this article to heart, my friend, and continue to be the best at not being the best.
Really, who wants to be a Barbie? Perfection is plastic--and boring.
What's it going to be, sweetheart? Barbie or little 'ole you, burning up your self-help literature and revelling in what reverse self-help can do for you?
