subject: Identifying And Eliminating Toxic Traits And Relationships: Part 2 [print this page] Hopefully you had an opportunity to read the first part of this article, where I covered 2 traits you should identify that can lead to a toxic relationship. Today, I'm picking up where I left off to share the remaining 5 traits.
3. You notice that a certain "friend" does not celebrate your triumphs, but rather becomes noticeably silent when your accomplishments or interests are the subject of conversation. I once had a very good friend who was the absolute best person in the world to have in your corner if you were experiencing a tragedy of any kind. I mean, if I would have ever had a missing child, she's the one I would want to lead the search party. She would take charge, go to any length at any time of day or night to go to bat for you if you were in trouble. Her energy and drive were matchless in helping you manage a crisis. You've probably sensed by now that there is a big "but" coming. You're right. BUT, if you were celebrating the really big moments of life--getting married, receiving an advanced degree--she may not even acknowledge the significance of the moment. She literally came to my wedding dressed as though she was stopping by on her way to the grocery store and never even spoke to me, let alone offered any kind of congratulatory response. Of course, there could be all kinds of psychological terms that best describe this behavior, like narcisism for starters. However, in the non-clinical world, I've just come to understand that some people, "haters" if you will, are just unable to handle situations when they don't feel in control or the center of attention or the source of help. As we say in the south, "bless their hearts." Do not take their neglect of you personally! It says more about that individual and his/ her frame of mind than it will ever say about you.
4. You become aware that you feel trapped in a certain role with a friend who jealously guards your interactions with others. This person may attempt to make you feel as though your absolute allegiance is to that person and to that person only. Having other friends somehow comes across as betrayal to this person. Relationship with a "trapper" is growth-stunting. Clearly there is enough love and friendship to go around. Your relationships with others, so long as you don't ignore or minimize the importance of the original friendship, should enhance and even invigorate your more seasoned relationships. Possessiveness in relationships makes people feel like property. That's disrespectful, demeaning, and deserving of an escape.
5. You notice that others around you don't really have any goals or dreams. They just go through the motions of life without desiring a plan or direction to life. I call them "do-nothingers." You may secretly harbor dreams and goals that you dare not bring up to those around you. Oftentimes, all it takes is one curl of the lip, one grunt of disapproval, one hint of a questioning facial expression, and you may have allowed someone to steal your thunder and send you quietly back into a status quo life. People without zest for living and growing with purpose or at least curiosity about purpose may be dead weight to you. You may love them, but have to find stimulating others to jumpstart your life in a direction that takes you far away from the doldrums.
6. You realize you manage to break away from the "do-nothingers" and pursue skills, education, and exposure vocationally, spiritually, financially, or educationally. What do you know, here come the "reminders" to tell you that they knew you when you used to do this, that, and the other, and that you are not all that you think you are. Accordingly, they will want to entice you back into your former ways to demonstrate that your spurt of growth was really a fad and that it was impossible after all to transcend whatever the crowd was doing or whatever the circumstances seemed to dictate. It's often hard for people who've known you all your life to accept the new you and embrace your growth. Your growth shines a spotlight on them of what they too could have become. So, the "reminders" have to bring you down a notch or two to appease their own sense of failure and lack of accomplishment. This is the rationale behind the biblical teaching that "no prophet is accepted in his hometown." (Luke 4:24). It's often necessary to display your talents away from those who've know you all your life in order to get a more objective assessment of your strengths.
7. You notice that someone in your company is persistently pre-occupied with the salacious details of others' lives. I recall a person from college whose name I didn't know and whose face was completely unfamiliar to me when I met her. Much to my surprise, she knew my name, my roommate's name and then proceeded to discuss the personal details of others' lives with me, a mere stranger. My antennae immediately went up. Her brand of toxicity was palpable within 5 seconds of being in her company. I thought, if she can share these details with me without even knowing me, what must she share with or about people she does know. This was a time to say "Run Forrest, Run Forrest" and not look back. Obviously, gossipers are bad news. Their short-sighted goal is to create intimacy with someone by sharing others "secrets" with only you. Yeah right! They will soon be creating intimacy with someone else by sharing your secrets.
This list is not exhaustive of course. I eliminated more obvious toxic types such as the criminally-minded, cheaters, physical aggressors, and addicts. I've chosen to focus on the toxic types that may be a little more stealth in their madness and thusly, harder to put a finger on their troublesome behavior. Being able to articulate to someone what it is about the relationship that seems to violate your core values and principles can sometimes be an arduous task, especially when you love the person and desire to keep that individual in your life. We all go through certain phases and have probably been toxic a time or two in the lives of others. However, as Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, you do better."
If you're interested in de-cluttering your life and making more room therefore for goodness and purpose, start looking around at how you spend your time and with whom. Interestingly, time is associated with a lot of words that we associate with money (e.g., spending, budgeting, saving time) because that's how valuable is the commodity of time. Since we'll never be able to have more than 24 hours in a day, you may want to begin "cleaning house" by: 1) putting some distance in your toxic relationships by avoiding phone calls from toxic others until they get the message that change is brewing; 2) peacefully resisting response to their detracting comments; or 3) purposefully changing the subject when others begin to rain on your parade; and 4) learning to love some people from afar through prayer and transcending their unlovable traits to still provide basic care and support only when needed. They'll notice what you're no longer responding to and will realize their diminishing influence in halting your expanding horizons. Treat your experiences with toxic others as life lessons that teach you how not to be and also prepare you for future adversaries with whom you may have to engage for some period of time for various reasons (e.g., in-laws, bosses, neighbors, family members). If you really want to save the relationship(s), an assertive response that values yourself and the person(s) may sound something like, "I appreciate your many wonderful qualities likebut I experience you as, and I'm challenged and sometimes frustrated by that in our relationship. I'd like to ask you if you could work on becoming more aware ofand how it affects me and consider eliminating that from our friendship. I value the relationship and would love for us to grow together. So let's be patient with each other and celebrate what we have in common in the meantime."Any worthwhile friendship will make the adjustment and want to respect your needs. If not, less of the inconsistentners, the selectively mannerable, the yes-butters, the haters, the double-binders, the maskers, the trappers, the do-nothingers, the reminders, and the gossipers is truly more! Less toxicity makes more room for genuinely loving, talented, and caring people to enter your life with whom you may grow. Like the spaces in my newly organized kitchen that are specifically earmarked for certain items, the liberated spaces of your heart will be specifically earmarked for authentic relationships and friendsand nothing less will do.Copyright (c) 2012 Pamela Thompsonby: Pamela Thompson
