subject: Blue Ivy Carter Is Born [print this page] Have you heard the latest music news? Former drug dealer and big-deal rapper Jay-Z put a baby inside his wife bodacious songstress and former child of destiny Beyonce Knowles. Then about nine months after that particular act of insemination B a.k.a Sasha Fierce a.k.a. Jay-Zs baby mama pushed a fully cooked fetus a.k.a. a baby out her famous music coochie! I cant believe Beyonce and Jay-Z had a baby, guys! And they named her Blue Ivy Carter and they shut down an entire floor of a hospital just to give that sweet little child the most privacy possible while she was ushered into this miserable world full of papparazzi and online video documentaries. Its kind of arrogant to shut down the maternity ward and force hundreds if not thousands of pregnant mothers ranging from teenagers to mid-50s miracle birthers to perform said miracle births in bathtubs, bus-stops, train stations, and dumpsters, but at least those little miracles have the high honor of sharing their birthday with Blue Ivy Carter. Maybe they can make some online video documentaries about being born on the same day as a famous baby. Im sure theyll make a few online video documentaries about Blue Ivy herself. That's the kind of awesome footage you might see on a website like Vice.com. I imagine if Satan existed he would comment on the online video documentaries on Vice.com
I guess, in the glorious face of all these online video documentaries in the service of the latest music news I can understand why Beyonce and Jay-Z wanted as much privacy as they can buy with all their money and power. I wish I had an online video documentary about Blue Ivys birth, maybe spliced in with testimonials from other famous mothers and fathers such as Luther Vandross, Madonna, Bruce Willis, M.I.A., Cher, and Britney Spears. Each one of these famous parents could provide countless hours of footage for online music documentaries on the latest music news. Wouldnt it be wonderful to watch raw footage of Bruce Willis blowing a beautiful blues-rock inspired lullaby to sweet baby Rumor Willis lying in her crib as she gives herself over to dreams of suckling Demi Moores maternal bosom? And what sort of baby clothes does Madonna prefer? Do they make those conical bras for infants? These are important questions, and we need answers! If it werent for online video documentaries I dont know how Id ever stay informed of the latest music news. Imagine the sheer horror of not knowing that Lady GaGa is designing a line of lingerie made from sandpaper or that Ruben Studdard is opening his own chain of sandwich shops called Rubens Reubens. Honestly the only thing more frightening would be having to read about the latest music news because everyone from Celine Dion to Selina Gomez knows reading is for chumps and online music documentaries are the only way go.
