subject: How To Have A Cool Relationship With Your Ex-spouse [print this page] Divorce can sometimes make it hard to deal with your ex-spouse without getting drawn into old patterns of bitter argument and recriminations; remarriage and forming a new blended family often do little to make communication easier. Face it, your ex will continue to be part of your life and the sooner you figure out how to live with that fact, the sooner you can form a workable relationship that benefits your kids and keeps your blended family on course.
A new relationship with your ex-spouse
Remember, your children need both of you. This means you will have to discuss your kids with your ex-spouse, but it does not mean that you have to slip back into communication habits that may have never worked, anyway. The relationship between you and your ex is new, and because it is now based only on being parents to your children, it has new limitations.
Keep contact with your ex-spouse to a minimum
Other than a polite greeting, once the divorce with your ex-spouse is final and custody and support issues have been settled, and especially after your remarriage, the only things left to talk about with your ex concern your children. While it is very important for the two of you to maintain a positive attitude toward each other, especially around the kids, it is not necessary to try and remain friends.
Attempting to make your ex a part of your new blended family is usually unrealistic. As a matter of fact, for children who hold on to the hope their parents may someday get back together, being too friendly with your ex may just add to their confusion.
Email, texting, voicemail and phone calls to your ex-spouse
If you and your ex-spouse have a history of emotional phone calls, try to keep conversations as detached as possible. Try this formula for letting your ex know about pick-up and drop-off times, notifications of school plays, and other routine information: First choice, email; second, texting; third choice, voicemail, and if all else fails, a phone call. Emergencies need more direct contact, and important parenting issues sometimes must be talked out in person, too.
Prepare a script
If you need to talk with your ex-spouse, but find it hard to keep your cool during a phone conversation, write down the things you need to say. Keep it simple and to the point, and keep it about the kids. Refrain from criticizing or blaming, but even if you have a complaint, keep it about the kids.
If you are unhappy that he is chronically late picking them up, let him know the kids are disappointed and hurt, but don't accuse him of not caring or of being irresponsible. Write down what you want to say, say it exactly the way you wrote it, and do not improvise. Write down two or three different phrases to bring the conversation back to your reason for calling, and use them if he tries to change the subject or expand the conversation. These phrases can also be used if he calls you and things get off track.
Be respectful
Do not say negative things about your ex to your kids, or to anyone else but your closest friends and your spouse, for that matter, and let your ex-spouse know you are handling things in this way. Explain that you show this respect for your children's other parent because it is what your children need and deserve. Of course you cannot control what he says or does not say about you, but you can set a good example and hope for the best!
When it comes to dealing with your ex-spouse, try and keep it simple and to the point. Remember that your relationship with your ex is for the purpose of parenting your children, and nothing else. After remarriage, your main relationship is now with your new spouse, and your main family focus is now on your blended family. Keep it cool with your ex-spouse.
