subject: Deciding To Take Your Husband Back After An Affair [print this page] I get a lot of emails that ask me how on earth I could take my husband back or stay in the marriage after an affair. Sometimes, these emails come from women who think I'm somewhat crazy and that they could never forgive in this way. And other times, the emails come from wives going through a similar experience who would very mucheventually wanttoembracemoving on, healing, and forgiving, but they just can't seem to do it. They can not seem to move past their anger, distrust, and resentment and I completely understand this.
I want for people to know that it's not as if I immediately offered my forgiveness or decided to stay. In fact, I did leave for a short time. And, it was not always clear to me how everything would end up. In fact, there was atime when I could not even stand to look at my husband. I did not even want to be in the same room with him. So how did I get from my disgust to being able to offer forgiveness and deciding to stay? It's a relatively long story. But, to simplify it, it just took some time, some patience, some understanding, commitment, and my observing him hanging in there and showing his commitment and his remorse time and time again. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Accepting That It Will Probably Take A While Before You Are Sure About Any Decision To Stay Or Take Him Back: I suppose there are some spouses who immediately know that they aren't going anywhere. There were times when I would have envied them because it absolutely was not clear to me at first. And wavering back and forth made me very frustrated. I would often beat myself up for making both my husband and myself confused and frustrated because I could not seem to make up my mind. I was very genuine and truthful on the days when I felt that I was making progress. But, then, the next day I would wake up and discover that I felt overwhelming anger and as if Ihad just found out.
I did not know at the time that this wavering was normal and did not mean that there was anything wrong with me or anything wrong with us. Nor was this wavering indicative of how we were going to end up or if we were going to be able to save the marriage. It just meant that, like most women in this situation, recovery was not going to move in a linear fashion for me. I didn't know it at the time, but so long as I was continuing to be honest about and acknowledge my feelings, Iwas doing the best that I could.
The truth is, this is often just going to take time. You are too angry, shocked, and hurt when you are first dealing with this to look at it without the veil of all of these explosive feelings. You do not have the time and distance at that point to see things from a long range point of view. This is why, as hard as it is, sometimes all you can do is vow to continue being honest with yourself, feeling whatever emotions present themselves, and vowing to evaluate them as they come.
What Went Into My Decision To Stay After His Affair: I am not sure if Ican express this in just a few sentences. It really was not just one thing. It was a combination of many things that evolved over time. I think that, at the end of the day, Iwas able to look at our marriage in terms of what it had brought to my life over the long term rather than just in terms of this one event. This was not possible for me at first. As I said, it took time. But eventually, Iwas able to remember all of the loving, unselfish, and dramatic things that my husband had done over the years to show me that he loved me without any doubt.
And, eventually, even after the affair, I could not help but see that same person still standing right in front of me. I did not believe one thing he said at first. I chose to ignore him and block him out. But, he hung in there and had patience. He would not let me push him away no matter how hateful and nasty I was to him at times. He insisted that he deserved it and he would accept and handle anything that Ithrew his way because he was committed to fixing the mess that he alone created.
He did whatever I asked him to do without complaint. He left the job he had loved because he knew that I did not want him anywhere near this woman. He did whatever Iasked and checked in with me on a daily basis to see if there was anything else Ineeded. Over time, I began to see that he was rehabilitated and trustworthy. He became an open book who welcomed my checking in and checking up. He put in much more effort and time than Iever did.
One day, Irealized that I was tired of holding onto the anger and that every human being on earthmakes mistakes. I had made them too in our marriage. (No, I had never cheated and never would or will, butIstill made my share of mistakes that hurt my husband.) I no longer wanted to live with this hugeweight pushing down on myshoulders and I was readyto move forward and I knew that Iwas going to stay.Was it an easyor quick decision? No, but it was the right decision for me and I've never regretted it. In fact, with the passage of time, I can now look back about and see the good that came out of it.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
Deciding To Take Your Husband Back After An Affair
