subject: I Don't Want A Divorce. How Can I Stop It Before It's Too Late? [print this page] Some of the wives who contact me have already been served with divorce papers. Many of them do not want for the divorce to go through and they are looking for some way to stop it. Some of them are considering trying to stall with legal tactics. Some will try to duck process service or attempt to not answer the pleadings, or make themselves scarce during this whole process, thinking that if they just ignore this or are not available, then nothing can happen without them.
By no means am I an attorney, nor do I intend (or am even qualified) to give legal advice, but probably the last thing that you want to is to get a default judgment against you because you refused to see or acknowledge what is right in front of you. Ignoring it is not likely to make it go away, in my experience. With that said, a divorce is often not granted immediately. Depending on your state, there are sometimes time or mediation requirements not to mention that time that generally goes by waiting on the congested court system. While I would never advocate stalling the legal system, you can certainly use any delays to your advantage in terms of changing your husband's perceptions. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Your Husband Genuinely Changing His Mind About The Divorce Should Be The Real Goal: With the divorce process started, it's hard not to hear the imaginary clock ticking in your mind. It's very easy to feel very rushed to try different and desperate things. Wives will often almost out and out beg for a husband to change his mind and then offer up all sorts of incentives and promises. The problem with this is that, since the husband has made up his mind and taken this action, he's not very likely to believe these things. He has to be shown rather than told, in most cases.
Sometimes, when this does not work, women will then resort to the more negative strategies. They will argue. They will bug. They will debate. They may eventually even threaten or belittle. Sometimes, they will try to elicit pity. In short, they are trying to get a reaction that is going to force him to stop and pay attention. Unfortunately, the attention that you are going to get is going to be negative attention. This is the kind of attention that you can not afford because this is likely going to help convince the husband that he really is making the right choice with the divorce. You want for him to suspect that he is making the wrong choice.
You want to get him back where he is coming willingly. A short term success does not give you the security and peace of mind that you deserve. You don't want him back dragging his feet and sagging his shoulders. You want for him to come back of his own free will with a great deal of enthusiasm. So, do not play adolescent games and then expect adult results. Act in such a way that is going to elicit positive and genuine responses that are going to be long lasting.
Coming Up With A Plan To Make Him Want To Call Off The Divorce: So, knowing that your real goal should be to act in such a way that's going to sway him into changing his mind, now we need to talk about how best to do this. Well, perceptions truly are everything. He needs to perceive that you are capable, desirable, and worth changing direction for. How you accomplish these perceptions is going to vary depending on each of your personalities.
You likely already know who and what he best responds to. You already know what he finds attractive about you and what he doesn't. If he's weakened by your hearty laugh, then don't show him an angry person who does nothing but scowl. If he loves your strength and integrity, then don't let him catch sight of someone who is crumbling and stooping to low and embarrassing levels under this pressure.
It's also important to realize that things that are perceived as scarce and not as readily available are perceived as more desirable. What I mean by this is that you don't want to bombard him with texts, calls, and emails. You want to let the distance work for you rather than against you. Your goal should be to bring about the perception that you are strong, that you are coping, that you are busy, and that you are making the very most of this situation. It doesn't hurt to let him wonder where you are and what you are doing (although you never want to date someone else while you are still married.)
Women will often tell me that they understand this plan, but they don't know when to implement it. Should they all him? Should they ask for a meeting? How is this going to happen when a divorce is happening at the same time? There are typically times where you will need to meet. I'm talking about legitimate reasons that will naturally happen. You will need to make the most of these times. You will want to use these opportunities to change these perceptions. Always remember that your goal is to show him that the way the two of you interact can very much change for the better and that the woman he was afraid is in fact still very much there. You can even tell him that he's too important to you to let even this divorce destroy the good things that have always defined the relationship. You want for the two of you to interact positively no matter what ultimately happens.
If these opportunities don't present themselves, then you can often come up with some legitimate reason that you need to interact. But, don't grasp at straws and don't make it obvious that all you want to talk about the relationship. This is very easy to pick up on and it only weakens your position.
When my husband wanted a divorce (but I desperately want to save my marriage), I did everything that I could to stop it. I made many mistakes born out of frustration and fear. I delayed, I begged, argued, stalked and engaged, but none of these things worked. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn't on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
I Don't Want A Divorce. How Can I Stop It Before It's Too Late?
