subject: Help With Grieving [print this page] Be tough Stay strong for those around itBe tough Stay strong for those around it. Put a good face on it. Think of the positives. If you've been through loss of any type, you've probably had well-meaning people trying to encourage you with these sorts of sayings. But grief that hasn't been resolved or expressed can cause trouble emotionally and even physically.
Our culture doesn't always allow us to express grief properly, especially in the case of men. It's considered a sign of strength and maturity not to react emotionally to a tough situation. If you can bury your feelings down deep and not show anything on the surface, you're considered to be a strong, emotionally healthy adult. But those feelings, even though they're buried deeply, aren't dead. They're more like dormant volcanoes that can erupt in a number of ways.
The problems that can be caused by buried or suppressed emotional feelings were explored by the early psychologists such as Freud. The idea is that deeply buried feelings need to be brought to the surface and dealt with so that they do not cause problems. Freud and other early psychologists like him first introduced the idea of using hypnosis to work through deeply repressed and unexpressed emotional issues such as grief, and even today, hypnotherapy aims to help people deal with the "deep issues" so they can express and release grief.
Oddly enough, when Freud was doing his pioneering work with psychology, hypnosis and counselling in general, grief wasn't one of the issues he had to deal with. The Victorian culture, repressed as it was in other ways, did allow people to express grief. This shouldn't really be surprising, given that the mortality rate was higher in those days. For example, the Victorians had the tradition of mourning, which allowed men and women a socially acceptable way of expressing the grief of a bereavement. The trappings of mourning may have been highly stylised (interestingly enough, the styles and colours of dress used by Victorians in formal mourning have inspired modern Gothic fashions) but they did provide away to express and release grief. Tears were also considered acceptable in adults who had suffered loss, even in men, as this was to consider sophistication and sensitivity.
Today, things have changed. Men are supposed to be staunch in the face of all difficulties and all loss, and it's becoming less acceptable for women to express grief publically and even privately. Women are now supposed to "be strong for the family" and not cause distress to children by crying, etc. in front of them.
Some of the things that cause grief can even be considered by other people to be a "positive step forwards" and the culture does not permit a person to go through the grief process triggered by these events. These events can include divorce, separation, abortion, the end of a long-term relationship of any type and having to move house. You'd be surprised at the amount of people who seek help from hypnotherapy have unresolved grief issues stemming from these life experiences.
What are some options for people who want to express or release grief so it does not break out in a toxic emotion that will need a lot of sessions from hypnosis, counselling or some other form of therapy? These ideas might help you express your grief, no matter what caused the grief.
Express the grief vocally and physically. Tears are an emotional outlet and many people feel peace afterwards. Sure, crying doesn't deal with the practical side of whatever problem you may be facing, but it does help deal with the emotional side of whatever you're going through. If you have to shut yourself in your bedroom or even in the toilet so you can scream and howl into a pillow or cushion, do it. A friend to provide a shoulder to cry on can help a lot, but you can do it alone as well if needed. Admit to your friends and colleagues that you are
Cleaning. Surprisingly, doing something physical and practical often helps to release grief, and many people turn to mundane practical chores as a way of expressing their grief. If you are experiencing grief because of a bereavement or the end of a relationship, this form of expressing grief has a practical purpose as well. In the case of the end of a relationship, decluttering reminders of the past can be cathartic and cleansing emotionally as well as physically.
Forgiveness. Sometimes, the issues exposed by deep work such as hypnosis can reveal a person who needs our forgiveness. Sometimes that person is yourself. Unforgiveness, bitterness and resentment act like poison and can have physical as well as mental and emotional effects on us. It can be hard to make the first move towards reconciliation, but ultimately, it is very healing. If you need to say sorry to someone, this does involve making yourself vulnerable, but it is often a necessary part of the grieving process, depending on the situation. If unresolved issues and conflict are associated with bereavement, it can be very healing to find some way of symbolically resolving the issues that you had with the deceased person. Write the issue and a message of apology or forgiveness, depending on the situation, on a piece of paper, read it aloud and then burn or destroy it. If it is yourself that you have problems forgiving for bad choices in the past that you feel guilty, then finding someone you can "confess your sins to", so to speak, can help in this process. Some people even find it helpful to try an old-fashioned Catholic confessional, where you can anonymously and confidentially admit to your mistakes and get some advice as to how you can put things right. You don't have to be a Catholic or to try this process.
Art. You don't have to be Leonardo da Vinci to put some paint on paper or shape some papier-mch around. You don't have to be Pavarotti or Charlotte Church to sing at the top of your lungs. You don't have to be Shakespeare to write poetry. Getting your grief out via creative arts is often very healing and cathartic. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be a genius. But putting those feelings into a creative outlet often works wonders and is a legitimate form of therapy that is often recommended by a range of therapists.
