subject: Bountygate Debate: Why Football Is Still Better Than Soccer [print this page] I will not silently sit by and listen to gross canards from haughty Soccer Supremacists. One wrote me to condemn American football violence and paeon the purity of Futbol. I laughed up my shorts at him.
This misguided hypocrisy ignores the outrageous number of career-ending injuries in Soccer. Theres easily a half-dozen per match--more if you count pre-tilt muggings by British Hooligans. The worst part? Soccer injuries are both rampant and faked.
A typical scenario: The Effervescent Daisies schedule a Friendly (exhibition match) with The Amusing Despots. American footballers would eat Rhino Scat before inviting foes over for a Friendly anything.
A few minutes into the match, Effervescent Daisies star Half-Twit Back-Forward, Guacamole, gets breathed on too heavily by Amusing Despots All-Star Squatting Right Centrist, Ignoranto. This is Guacamole's cue to fall to the pitch, clutch his knee, and alternately scream in agony and dictate his Will. Enter two stretcher-bearers, the team doctor, an acting coach and a publicist. They then vote whether he has earned a stretcher ride to the sidelines, a penalty kick, or a Golden Globe nomination.
Meanwhile, the ref hands a ceremonial Yellow Card to Ignoranto's teammate, Ejaculatio, for improperly laced shoes. The ref then pulls out his diary and jots down some musings.
Once carted off, Guacamole is greeted by a Carmelite Nun--or if one isn't handy, a Caramelized Nunflown in from Lourdes. The Nun lays healing hands on Guacamole, he sips an amusing yet complex Vin Ordinaire, and soon is sent back out good as new to again run gaily round the meadow.
No one has ever actually been injured playing Soccer. But if overacting and religious fraud were felonies, there wouldn't be a Soccer player on the streets today. Fans would be forced to learn sports with rules other than "try to kick the ball in the other team's net." And we'd be a happier world. Except, of course, for all the political crap, death, wars and disease.
