subject: How I Finally Fixed Microsoft Windows: An Endearing Time Travel Tale [print this page] I stood in front of the time machineI stood in front of the time machine. Books never get time machines right. It isn't some simple mechanical machine. Time is less tangible. Time is potentials. Dozens of monitors were in front of me. Each showed a different window into the past. I was focused on the Seattle windows, as what I had to do would take place there.
It was theoretically possible to pipe in an infinite number of views of past times. You could view as many windows as you wanted, to put it another way. The realistic limitation was the amount of electricity you had. Temporal relocation requires an abundance of electric power. To put it in perspective, an average nuke plant generates 1.3 billion watts of power. That's enough to meet the electrical needs of roughly a half million Americans, or power one individual time machine.
An entire nuclear plant created to power nothing is suspicious, and the way the spooks duped the public with cover stories is fascinating. Unfortunately, I don't have time for it. I'm going to arrested or killed for what I'm about to do, but after a burglar killed and raped my wife and daughter while I was travelling (not time), I gave up. I've spent the last few months chiseling away at my bucket list, and I'm down to the last few items. When you work on unacknowledged special access program that involves time travel, your bucket list is obviously going to be a little bizarre.
There are too many altruistic items on my bucket list, but for reasons I'll never grasp, I was unfortunate enough to have been born an idealist.
Regardless, it takes more power to move further back in time. Changing what the windows showstheir locationalso requires enormous power. Opening many windows at once takes more power than one window. Seeing into the past is intrinsically a bandwidth problem. This is an imprecise term, but the only one a lay person might understand. Each new window opened needs an exponential increase in power.
I peered at the Seattle windows, and finally found the nerdlinger I had been hunting. He was toting antiquated punch cards into some shop. I was preparing to enter the Seattle window when freaking Windows crashed yet again. If Bill Gates had been standing there, I would have fed him his own testicles. Microsoft's horrible products had siphoned thousands of hours of my productivity over the years. I'm cool with Bill Gates making billions. But did he have to do it selling such a terrible product?
I restarted Windows, relocated the skinny young nerd. Then I energized the Seattle Window and travelled to the past. Now an early 20s Bill Gates was right in front of me. I slit his throat.
Bill Gates keeled over. The wicked prick was dead. Windows never came into existence. I returned to my proper time, and shut the Seattle windows, and all other windows. I de-energized the time machine. Then I started up my laptop and smiled at the workspaces operating system. I was blazing fast, far, far quicker than windows, and didn't crash once. Finally, my computer would be a source of joy rather than frustration, and improve my productivity rather than robbing my efficiency. I loaded my bucket list, and am moving on to the next item. I'm going to plant explosives at the grassy knoll, and blow it up right as Kennedy pulls up to it, saving his life.
