subject: Encouraging Vs Controlling Your Partner [print this page] In a loving relationship or marriage, most individuals want the very best for their spouse or partner. People want their partners to be successful, healthy, fit and happy so that each can enjoy the other for as long as possible. There are two ways to handle being involved in your partner's welfare. You can either try to control your partner, or you can try to encourage your partner.
If you are trying to control your partner, then you are probably insisting that your partner do things the way you think they should be done, even when the issues are not yours. Look out! This is a recipe for disaster! This attitude puts any relationship at risk, big time. It can turn a marriage into a dictatorship rather than a partnership, and historically, dictators are more likely to be jailed than cherished and adored.
Encouragement brings great relief to a relationship. When you encourage your partner, you give them the space to do things his or her way, and when possible offer support in a loving way without any expectation of outcome. Here are two examples in our lives:
Control: "Lewis, if you really want to lose weight you should walk more." Encouragement: "Lewis, it's gorgeous and sunny outside. Want to join me for a walk?"
Control: "Diane, we can't be late for the beginning of the concert, so don't socialize in front of the concert hall." Encouragement: "Diane, we don't want to be late for the beginning of the concert. Would you like me to let you know when it is five minutes before curtain time? "
Control does not serve a relationship. If you get a sense that you are trying to control your partner, we recommend stopping immediately. If you want a healthy relationship, use encouragement as a way to honor your partner and let them be who he or she is. With every step we take toward healthier behaviors for ourselves, we create more harmony in our relationship or marriage.
