subject: Mediator Neutrality: Is It Possible? [print this page] How could a mediator be neutral about your situation when you are getting divorced? Surely one of you is right and the other is wrong! If you know in your bones and all of your friends agree that you are right, you may think that mediation would not make sense for you, because you dont want to compromise.
First of all let me reassure you that you wont agree to anything in mediation that you dont want to agree to! But something happens in mediation that changes peoples goals and outlook. I dont ask my clients to agree with each other just to make an honest effort to understand each other. And to accomplish that, it turns out that mediator neutrality is one of the most valuable and powerful tools I have.
Sadly, because of our over-loaded and burdened court system, most judges do not have the time to get to know the people behind the case-load. People who go through the court system often end up feeling that they did not have their story heard by the judge, and that they were not given a chance to speak.
Mediation will give you that chance and you are the best person to speak about your life and your needs. No expert knows your life as well as you and your spouse do. In truth, no hired expert will care as much as you do because only you and your family will live with the agreement you make. You are the people who are in the best position to decide what should happen with your family, your possessions, and with your divorce.
Children perceive their parents neutrally during a divorce. As much as you might want your child to side with you against the other parent it wont happen and it shouldnt happen. A child will never thank you for taking away his mother or father. The children each contain a little bit of each parent, and they are able intuitively to understand both parents points-of-view. The children understand the limitations and strengths of both their parents and love them.
Divorce raises all kinds of hurdles, as you restructure and begin to figure out your new life and also raises all kinds of complex emotions. When you are navigating the maze of these changes, the last thing you might want to hear is that your spouses position has some validity. (And that is one of the appeals of the adversarial system. When you are hurt, angry and shaken up, who would not want to hire an experienced warrior, who will tell you that you are right and that your evil spouse should make amends usually monetary to avenge these wrongs?)
These feelings are especially intense where the impetus for the break-up of the marriage is a situation with deep emotional effect for example, where one person has a new lover, or where one person walked out on the other very suddenly and without warning. The right spouse might find that the new identity as a wronged person becomes intensely compelling and attractive.
The answer is that neutrality will bring you closer to the truth, and the truth will help you to move on with your life.
