subject: How To Get On The Same Page After He Cheats [print this page] I get a lot of correspondence from people who are asking for advice or tips on how to work things out after a spouse has cheated. It's not uncommon for the spouse who cheated to have feelings of guilt, remorse and shame. And sometimes, the faithful spouse is trying to repair or hold onto the marriage. Having said that, when a marriage goes through an affair, there's still a cloud of doubt hanging over it and it needs to be dealt with.
It's typical of us as poeple to have knee jerk reactions to things until the acutally happen to us. The same can be said for affairs as well. We my have an idea of what we would do if it ever happened to us, until we're faced with the reality of breaking up a family by walking away or staying to work it out. The lines can become somewhat blurry then with various shades of gray.
I know it's possible to repair your marriage after an affair. I'll tell you what needs to be done below.
Do You Both Need To Be On The Same Page? : Most people are aprehensive at first about the prospects of their marriage being able to be saved because they're worried they're not on the same page as their spouse. This is a myth and I'll tell you why. Because there are often so many conflicting and shifting feelings in the beginning that it can be hard to get a handle on what youre acting feeling or what you truly want. The point I'm trying to make is that the emotionsboth people feel need to be dealt with and not surpressed and are in no way indicative of the future of the relationship.
Sometimes, youll have to begin the process yourself while youre waiting for them to come around. Don't worry about waiting for the other person to get on board just yet, work on sorting though your own emotions. You would be surprised how often this technique works. When one spouse sees the other working hard to improve themselves and their relationship as a whole, they are much more likely to get on board and get with the program.
The Biggest Mistake Couples Make: Most couples make the mistake of forcing their relationship. What I mean is that in many cases couples try and force their feelings into the relationship instead of letting them develop naturally as they work through their issues.
However, they think that this decision and this resolve is enough. But what usually happens is that instead of a clear unwaivering path of commitment they're left wading through a path riddled with unresolved issues of guilt, doubt and trust. So although your intentions are good and you want to move past the affair as quickly as possible, make sure you do things in the proper order or you'll always be dealing with small issues that could be bigger ones later on.
As difficult as it might seem, you're best off to do the work that needs to be done right away. Because if you dont work through the issues that lead up to the cheating, its unrealistic to think that theyre totally gone or erased. And, if youre always worrying if theyre really gone, then you will likely also always worry if your marriage is safe and whether your spouse will cheat again.
And, this whole process can lead to resentment, doubt, and insecurity, on the part of both the cheating spouse and the faithful spouse. After you've dealt with the problems and issues that lead up to the affair, you need to work on the issues that came out of the affair. The trust will need to be restored. The intimacy will slowly need to be returned. Self esteem issues and resentment will need to be eventually erased.
Don't expect things to change over night. Its often a gradual process that doesnt go in a linear line. You may make some progress and feel better only to then regress and feel worse. Don't get discouraged when this happens, there's boud to be a few set backs along the way. It just means there's some issues that need to be resolved.
It may give you some reassurance to know that countless couples are able to work things out after one of them has cheated. It happens every day and some of the couples will even tell you that its made their marriage stronger or better.
Cheating doesnt need to be the end of your marriage if you dont want for it to be. You often have more control over this than you may think, even though the healing process may take a little bit of time and effort.
