subject: The Joy Of An Ex - Moving Away From Blame And Guilt [print this page] 'This is his entire fault.' 'I cannot believe she will not let me try to change to save our marriage.' 'If he had been home more, this would not be happening.' 'She destroyed our marriage when she decided to have an affair.' 'Our children's life is ruined because he has given up on this family.' 'She put us into bankruptcy and that was the beginning of our problems.' 'If only he paid more attention to the children and me, instead of work.'
All of these statements are blame based. One spouse is pointing the finger at the other. This is common when couples split up. Quite often one or both spouses want to get answers to "why". Why is this relationship falling apart? Why is this happening? We look for the answers to why because as human beings we do not like pain. Understandably, we believe if we know "why" then we can stop the pain in the future. Frequently partners look outward towards the ex to find the cause, the reason for the failure of the marriage. However another direction people going through separation look is inwards.
'I feel so ashamed.' 'I cannot believe that I let this happen to our family.' 'I have failed.' 'If only I had .' 'Maybe I could change and then this will work out.' 'I knew there was something wrong but I did not do anything about it.' 'It is my fault because I was carried away with someone else.' 'It is my fault he was with that other woman.' 'How can I ever tell anyone that my marriage has failed?'
These statements are full of guilt. Guilt is internalizing the responsibility by looking inwards and placing the blame on oneself or finding fault with one's own actions. Alternatively, shame is the act of finding fault with oneself, one's character, or being. Both shame and guilt eat away at us because each thought assumes that we are the cause or the reason for the failure. Again, those of us that place the blame on ourselves through guilt or shame are looking to find the source of the problem, hoping that the source will lead us to the reason and ultimately the end of suffering and the prevention of more pain.
Unfortunately, our natural tendency to place blame, guilt, or shame does not help us to stop the pain of divorce. What it does is keep our mind focused on negativity and those kinds of thoughts magnify feelings of sadness, anger, loneliness, anxiety, depression and more. Blame, shame or guilt based thoughts keep us stuck in the past. These thoughts snowball. If we blame the other spouse, we also justify our own behaviour, giving us the false sense of righteousness. If we blame ourselves, we become depressed. Either way we block ourselves from taking an objective look at things. When spouses are blaming they are caught up in the blame game. One spouse packs up a ball of blame and chucks it at the other. That spouse receives the blame ball and packs on more blame and throws it back at the first spouse. This game continues and the ball gets bigger and heavier. Each spouse becomes focused on the blame, catching the ball, throwing back and neither one can move forward. The unfortunate thing is that neither spouse realizes what they are doing. All they are aware of is that they feel dislike and hatred for the ex and they feel stressed and exhausted. When any individuals are caught in the blame game they are emotionally disabled and their ability to make decisions is limited. However, most spouses proceed in the separation and divorce process, forcing them to make decisions when stress and anxiety impede good decision-making. If the one or both spouses are on the path of guilt and shame, they have a tendency to give up easily during the separation and divorce process. They feel so badly that they deem themselves unworthy, while at the same time their energy is depleted. Therefore, these individuals are not able to advocate well for themselves.
