subject: Tips To Real Listening Logic [print this page] Ever been told you don't listen well? Or maybe worse You are a lousy communicator, Do you ever listen? How do you expect to be a leader if you dont listen?
If you are like me, youve heard it too many times And we both hate hearing it.
Since leadership and good communication start with learning what kind of a listener you are, this article explores a way to improve listening that I am sure you will relate to.
Which listener you are?
The kind of listener that doesnt always hear the exact words people speaks but listens for the gist or the meaning behind the words?
Or, are you the kind of listener that hears the exact words people say (literal), and then become befuddled when told it is NOT what the communicator meant?
Often a gist listener is also a gist communicator, AND
Often a literal listener is also a literal communicator
What happens when two completely different styles speak to each other, using their own communication language? Because each language sounds the same, but comes across the ears differently, the two will often have difficulty in their ability to connect, understand and move forward. Lets play this out
Gloria is the gist listener and communicator, Ted is the literal listener and communicator lets see what happens when they communicate. Gloria concerned Ted when she told him that she had been yelled at as she debriefed a prior conversation with a coworker. Her manager, Ted just happened to be present during the yelling and didnt hear a raised voice or even a threatening tone. He then questioned Glorias definition of the word yell. Gloria readily confirmed Teds definition yell means to raise your voice. She even agreed the coworker did not raise his voice.
Then the bomb; Gloria said the way the conversation came across to her, the coworker might as well have yelled. By this point, a literal communicator like Ted didnt know where to go. Glorias explanation of the word yell didnt fit and left him needing more information or to correct Glorias statement. Gloria wanted to be heard and until she felt heard, she would not give more information and would block Ted at his attempts. Ted at this point stopped trying to listen confused as to why Gloria would intentionally slander a coworker by using the word yell.
I bet you sided with at least one of the two people in the scenario above. Im sure the manager, Ted would appreciate your votes because technically he was right, but communication wise he lost. Ted did not get Gloria because he was not interpreting and responding to her gist communication style her story didnt fit into his concepts or policy. What is the normal outcome of a conversation like this? You will hear it in the hallways; both point fingers and say the other person is a bad communicator.
Pamelas Point: As the reader, no matter which side you are on, the fact that you can see where the other person is coming from (whether you agree with it or not) improves your chances of being considered a good communicator.
10-years ago I finally learned a secret that has saved me countless frustrating conversations, missed messages, mixed up cues and who knows what. There are no quick fixes. Not true, there are two I can offer you right now:
In order to listen well, you must read the person who is talking to you - which means you must be completely present, allowing no other distractions. Part of reading the other person is:
a) Identifying what their communication style is by listening and clarifying their use of literal and non-literal descriptors.
b) Once you recognize they are a literal or a gist communicator, you can now adapt to what kind of listener they expect you to be.
Lets see how a literal can respond to a gist person
In the scenario above, Ted got a right, he asked Gloria for her definition of the word yell. Once he heard it had to do with feelings and not literals, his next cue b would have been to adapt and simply acknowledge her meaning of the word yell. In this moment it is not about
correcting her,
looking up the meaning of the word yell in the dictionary or
having a debate over why America is changing the meaning of that word for no good reason.
It is about acknowledging her and allowing her to move on with her story. Only if you are a gist person is this easy. If you are the literal listener it requires you withhold judgment, stop the screaming dictionaries in your brain and shut down your logic in order to allow the other person the space they need to tell their story and feel heard.
It is easy to identify the gist person. They really want you to get the meaning behind the words, not the exact words. If you repeat their exact words you will notice them tell you repeatedly that the words they just said were not what they meant. Take this not as a point of illogic or wrongness but as a clue for unraveling the communication mystery.
In communicating with the logic or literal person, gist communicators and listeners must work very hard at following the literal words, then speak those same words back to the literal speaker and respond with a literal response.
Sound easy? Neither responses are easy we as communicators are often knee deep in our own communication style and struggle to get outside of it. However, it is possible, otherwise we wouldnt have the amazing people we admire in this world they have figured it out.
One more thing; at any given moment the literal and gist person could change on you. Your job is to be aware and dance to the music instead of stop it. Just by adapting to your listener, your communication ratings are guaranteed to soar.
