subject: Manage Your Anger Through Action And Awareness [print this page] Anger is a powerful emotionAnger is a powerful emotion. It can dominate your focus, leaving you unable to think rationally, find empathy for those you care about, or see beyond your own perspective. If anger becomes enough of an emotional habit, it can even feel like you are helpless against it. Thankfully, this is not the case. By taking action to stop the escalation of anger when it arises and increasing awareness around the cause and nature of the anger, you can learn to master this forceful emotion.
Taking action, addressing the external:
The moment you notice you are feeling angry, take three deep breaths (at least six counts on the inhalation and six counts on the exhalation, preferably with your eyes closed). This is about turning your focus inward. Anger is a very outwardly focused emotion. We are generally angry at someone or something which keeps our attention outside. Slowing down the breath will help center you and bring your attention back to your internal experience.
If your anger is arising during a disagreement with someone, once both of you have made your points or expressed your feelings sufficiently for both positions to be understood, end the conversation.
Let the other person know that you have heard what they are saying by paraphrasing their points back to them and asking if you have understood them correctly.
Explain that you need time to consider what you have discussed and agree on a time to revisit the conversation (preferably within the following hours or days, depending on the gravity of the issue).
Resist the urge to rehash things right then and there. When we are angry we generally feel justified in our anger because we believe that we are "right" and the other person is "wrong". Anger creates a type of tunnel vision which only allows us to see that which reinforces our perspective. It is important not to continue beating a dead horse, as the expression goes. Make your points, set a time to talk further, and walk away.
If the other person is resistant to ending the conversation, explain to them that you need time and want to continue the conversation when you have both had a chance to consider each other's arguments. Then physically remove yourself from the situation to the best of your ability. Go for a walk, a drive, to a coffee shop, to another room. The important thing is to get some space so that you can take care of yourself and your anger before things escalate further.
Find a place you can be alone with your thoughts, without distraction. Now you are ready to examine your anger. Onto the awareness portion!
Increasing awareness, addressing the internal:
Anger is a masking emotion. When you are angry you most likely feel powerful, self-righteous, justified in your rage. Adrenaline is pumping through you and the desire to be right, to win, is almost intoxicating. This formidable experience hides the more vulnerable emotions you may be feeling. Your first step is to find out what your anger is masking.
Ask yourself:
What is underneath my anger? What am I angry about feeling? Any number of answers may surface...sadness, fear, feeling worthless, unimportant, unrecognized, disregarded, lonely, jealous, helpless...let whatever is true for you arise.
Am I judging what I am feeling? Notice whether you are judging any of the emotions which you have just uncovered. Many people associate vulnerability with weakness. This can make feeling the more vulnerable emotions which underlie anger an uncomfortable experience. We might feel exposed and at risk, but consider this, emotion is just sensation running through your body. No emotion can injure your physical body and no emotion is permanent. The judgment we place on our emotions is what makes feeling scary. If you judge yourself to be weak and un-lovable because you feel helpless, you are probably going to avoid acknowledging that feeling at all costs. But if you have no judgment on feeling helpless, you can simply notice your feeling and move on. What would it feel like to let your judgment go?
How can I take better care of myself here? Anger often results from a feeling that our boundaries are not being respected. Examine whether this is the case for you. If so, how can you make your boundary clear? Stating what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do is a huge part of self-care. Get clear about what you are willing to give and what you are not in the situation at hand.
If I were in the other person's position, how would I be feeling? Putting yourself in the other person's shoes is a very powerful exercise. Sincerely attempting to see thing from the other person's perspective will go a long way in creating empathy and neutralizing your anger. We tend to take things very personally when we are angry. This exercise will help to get you outside that anger tunnel vision and to appreciate the other person's experience.
Begin your follow-up conversation with what you have learned. Keep your comments to your own experience using "I" statements. Let them know what was beneath your anger. Share what you discovered when putting yourself in their position. Your openness is an invitation for the other person to be open as well. When you speak from empathy, it automatically diffuses anger and makes more honest, caring conversation possible.
Mastering your anger is a discipline. It requires dedication, perseverance and a sense of humor. Be gentle with yourself. Be patient. And when you just can't seem to get yourself out of that tantrum, look for the humor in the situation. It is almost impossible to be angry while laughing!
